I tend to wake up at the same time, run through the same morning routine, buy similar grocery items, wear clothes I feel comfortable in, listen to the music that I know will put me in that mood, lean toward certain figures of speech, and in general, weave in and out of known circles of life.
So, it was frustrating when I woke up this Sunday morning and instead of grabbing a hot cup of coffee and my New York Times, I knew that I had to tackle 12 miles because I'd put it off the day before.
My next race is two weeks away and already I can feel butterflies.
The first six miles were phenomenal. The music was pounding. The breeze was blowing. My running skirt was happily taking me along my route and I was that girl that smiled at every passer byer.
And then, the shade magically went away. The sun started pelting down on my back and my legs felt heavy.
No, no, no.
Grabbing a quick sip of water, I remembered a quote from an interview with one of my, okay, probably my favorite artist, Sara Bareilles on the release of her latest album, "The Blessed Unrest."
The journalist was hammering her about contradictions in the break-up songs versus the up-lifting ones of optimism and hope asking if she was embarrassed about sharing such a personal, autobiographical composition that felt a bit schizophrenic. To which she beautifully and brilliantly replied, "Aren't we all a little schizophrenic? Our lives are consumed in the ups and the downs the wants and the needs the knowing and the not-knowing. It's not about the outcome. It's really only about the intention."
God damn it. That is it.
If I never run as fast as I think I'm capable. If I never publish a piece of literature. If I never graduate to a mini-van or a big girl car. If I struggle with who I am and who I am not. In the end, the only thing that matters...that I should care about as my head hits the pillow...is if I tried.
And today, I ran 12 miles. Some of them were really good. Others were not. Some had me hopeful. Some had me praying for a bench or my bed. But all of them added up to 12.
It doesn't matter where we land...it just matters that we set out with the intention to get there. A heart, a mind, a will that wants "it" trusting that the "it" will disclose itself in due time.