Ode to 20-Years of Marriage

 

April 17, 2024

My Dearest Ray,

We did it!  Here we stand holding two decades of marriage.

So much life has transpired in these years together.  So much goodness...so much hard...so much beautiful...and so much sorrow.

We woke up this morning and after getting the girls to school, went on a long walk.  Traipsing through our local college campus, we shared how crazy it was that five-hours away on another college campus, our oldest was walking by people who could be his parents' age.

How did we get here?  How are we inches away from 50?  How do we have a college freshman, a junior in high school and a 7th-grader?  How do we own a business and have life insurance?  And how have we graduated to a space where we schedule annual skin checks, colonoscopies, mammograms, and get labs drawn for hormone imbalance?

In so many ways, life has shifted and in so many ways, it has not.  You're still you.  Steady. Kind. Funny. Super smart.  Incredibly available, and always loving.  And in other ways, you're not.  You're less defensive, slower to anger, quicker to say I'm sorry, and more willing to extend compassion than in our early years.

Every morning, you still do 100 push-ups, pray on your knees, head to the gym, listen to the bible while unloading the dishwasher and making Claire's lunch, volunteer for activities at the school, and text regularly throughout the day.  You're the first to share your NY Times game scores in the family chat, the first to remind me of a cool concert or play we should take the kids to, and the first to read me an article in the paper or to tell me about a new trend that is bonkers.

You're also the first to support my doubts and imposter syndrome fears and the only one I want to get to when I feel out of my depth.  You are my biggest cheerleader, my fiercest champion, and the one who reminds me that I can climb the next hill and that I'm doing a damn good job.  You are insanely loyal and know that a strong cup of Bialetti coupled with mounds of sushi and infinite milk chocolate is the portal to my heart.  You never make me feel badly when I fall asleep by 10pm and when I wake up replaying the same anxieties that I went to sleep sharing.  

And when it comes to being the father of our children--there are really no words.  You are their person.  Between movies, music, driving, board and video games, concerts, baking, sewing, drawing, designing, and loving unconditionally--you are the person they want to spend their time with, always.

I've had pictures of Italy on my vision board since college--a dream of drinking espresso, sipping wine, hiking, riding trains, experiencing art, writing in cafes, indulging in gelato, and falling in love all over again in canals--and it looks like (through your persistence and hope) that my dream will come true this fall.  I can't wait to celebrate our love in another country honoring how far we've come--because one day, 20-years ago, we said, I do to all of it.  We couldn't have known then, and we can't know now all that God has in store, but I pray that through all of it, that we will endure in the joy and the pain together.  I can't imagine any of it without you.

I love you...I love you more...I love you most...You do?...I do.

Love, Kelly

Ode to Sam on Your 19th Birthday

February 8, 2024

My Dearest Sam,

Happy, Happy 19th Birthday!

Congratulations--you've officially reached the age of majority in the state of Nebraska!

How did it happen?  How did you become an adult--complete with a beard, a credit card, a job, college classes, the ability to vote and to engage in the way you wish to in the world?!  It's so remarkable to me.

Every time you come home from college and we talk about philosophers, the economy, relationships, career paths, extracurricular choices, money in the bank and what fosters a good life--I am blown away that I get to be your mom.

You are one of my favorite people in the world.  And while I didn't think I could bear being away from you when we dropped you off at school, now, five months later, I realize how beautiful the journey of growing up truly is.

There are so many things that I love about who you are in the world.  I love that the only criteria you were firm about regarding college was leaving the state of Nebraska and having an adventure somewhere else.  I love that you dove head first into meeting new people, trying new courses, washing your duvet cover with regularity, and communicating with me--while simultaneously helping me to honor the boundary of that frequency.

I love that you are still so kind.  Independence, freedom and a life away from home has not made you a jerk.  If anything, you seem to really appreciate Omaha and the goodness that emanates from your home town.

I love that you still have such a hunger for learning and creating.  Watching you dive into religious and philosophical texts that I read in undergrad coupled with taking a stab at collegiate studio art has been so amazing.  

I love that you ask your sisters about student council, theater, costume design, speech club, and crocheting.  I love that you engage our extended family and share stories about your experiences away, and thank them regularly for their support and encouragement.

I love that you are so gosh darn frugal.  I try to give you new things and you always say, save your money, I'm just fine.  You'd rather thrift, repurpose, and wait until a film comes to a streaming service before spending unnecessarily.   I think you got that from your dad and not from me.

I love that you're choosing really good, interesting people to share your time with, and that you ask good questions about their families, interests, and what makes them tick.

I love that you're humble and simple and loving.

And as you keep making your way in this world, trying to figure out what job you think you'll have, or who you're gonna love, or where you should live, or what you should major in, or who to invest time in--remember that every answer you need lives inside of you.  Continue to trust your gut.  Believe that who you are is enough.

If there's anything I've learned in almost 50 years it is that happiness has very little to do with your street address or paycheck.  It has everything to do with how comfortable you feel in your own skin when nobody's looking, who you love, and who helps to support you, and the ways you serve and lift others up in the world.  And with that, there are a million possibilities for how it can all unfold.

Man, how lucky I am to be on this journey watching you from afar.  Thank you for the gift of being your mom.  May you know everyday, always, how much you are deeply loved.

 I love you, Mom

 

Ode to Claire on your 13th Birthday

December 14, 2023

My Dearest Claire,

You woke up and are officially a teenager!  13-years old!!!

As I look back, I stand in awe of what an incredible year you've had...

Crocheting everything in sight including a temperature blanket, all kinds of creatures-cows, sloths, whales, squids, hats, bags, starting your own Etsy store, and joining the sweet older ladies at church, sitting around knitting at the prayer shawl ministry.

Enjoying all things Kitaki.  Deciding that independence is a good thing and also, that it's really important to hang with the kids that don't always get the invite.

Seeing Hamilton and singing all of the words with your sister.  Along with singing to musicals every night in the shower--hoping one day, you'll get to see Hadestown.

Going to hockey games with dad, cheering on the Mavs, giving the opposing team an earful.

Giving your all to 7th grade Student Council, believing in the power of change, working to make the most of middle school.

Giving us your crazy smolder faces any chance you get--because, let's be honest, you can do them better than any of us.

To your amazing art work and love for anything creative.

To your incredible piano playing-filling our home and the talent show with the love of music.

To touring college spaces with your brother, enjoying Chicago and Minnesota, cheering him on, wearing your St. Olaf gear every chance you get.

 

 

To your silly, crazy story telling, incredible game playing, dancing girl self.  

The truth is that you've been a teenager longer than your age has counted.  Growing up as the third and youngest child, you've always been wise beyond your years.  You've watched your siblings do incredible things-and decided that you would quickly dive in and make life your own.

You're so wise, talented, and full of life.  You always have a million questions and you're never afraid to ask.  In general, you're also just not afraid of much (other than flies and bugs).  A couple of times a week, you ride the city bus to the library after school, plop down, and study or read--talking to people and asking them how their day is going.  You're not afraid to engage with older adults as you connect with grandmas who crochet and knit, and look forward to the opportunity to babysit people's kiddos.

You are the definition of pure joy and pure crazy.  Even when you're not feeling well, you can always find energy for a good joke, a funny dance move, a dumb You Tube video, or a silly story--and the best part is that you full-on do all of the voices, act out the motions, and often pee your pants because you can't help but make your own self laugh.

As you embark upon the remainder of middle school and start to consider what is next in high school--let me encourage you to not give in to the temptation to diverge from you.  It will be seductive to think you have to look a certain way, sit at a given table, or only raise your hand if you think you're right.  Don't give in to that noise.  

Cling to what you love, who you are, and how you show up in the world.  Be willing to take risks, to go out on a limb, to fail, and then to get back up again--but all on your timeline, not on the demands or expectations of the other.  Your choice to be the most authentic you will serve you well and also make you happy.

As you watch your older sister drive, engage in college exploration, and you miss your brother away at college--know that they are so proud of you.  You are smart, kind, hilarious, edgy, confident, and considerate--and they will always be rooting for you no matter where they are.

Know that dad and I could not love you more.  You are the brightest spot in the day, the purest of love and joy.  You are our Claire Bear.  And we are SO grateful to celebrate you.

All my love always, Mom

 

Ode to Kate on Your Sweet 16th Birthday

July 8, 2023

My Dearest Kate,

Happy, Happy Sweet 16th Birthday!

Oh my goodness!  You woke up today, headed to driver's ed and all of the sudden, the world changed, and you are officially so grown up!

Tomorrow, you'll take your driver's test and then, freedom awaits you.

My goodness, Kate.  You are such an amazing person.  It's hard to find the words to share all of the things I love about who you and what you stand for.

You recently completed your sophomore year at Duchesne Academy of the Sacred Heart--and during that time, managed rigorous classes while dancing multiple nights a week at the Omaha Academy of Ballet, solidifed your love of fashion through costume design in the production of Macbeth and Omaha Fashion Week, and shot as many bulls eye's as possible in archery.

 

You are such a creative, thoughtful, intentional, interesting, wise beyond your years person--that you're continually inspiring me.  

You recently applied to be a participant in Duchesne's trip to Madrid next summer, and when accepted, understood that in order to go, you'd need to pay for half of the trip.  And so, by the grace of God, you nannied for a wonderful family teaching their little guy to sew and earning your ability to explore another country.

You're love for creating also secured you a spot in the Kent Bellow's mentoring program where you learn from a fashion design mentor and are designing and sewing pieces for upcoming shows.

All the while, you're still managing Enchanted Toucan, your Etsy store, making several pink plushy bats every week for customers, funding your ability to buy oodles of fabric and to thrift on a dime.

 

What I think I love about you the most is your kindness.  You're a really good person who always wants to give the next person the benefit of the doubt, who seems to have infinite amounts of patience, and who trusts that all is well and that with enough elbow grease and magic, it will all work out.  I hope you never lose this beautiful way of being in the world.

So, as you embark upon the back half of high school, and we begin the college visiting process in your junior year, a few thoughts...

• The sky is the limit.  Venture to find the right place for you.  It will inevitably be different than your big brother's and it will be exactly where you're meant to be.
  
• Keep stretching yourself.  Soak up everything you can from the mentors, teachers, instructors, peers, and influencers that you can---but at the end of the day, follow your own north star.  Be Kate.  She's the best.  And there's only one of her ever.  Dive deeply into her and trust in all that she brings.
• Spain will be the beginning of recognizing that the world is a really big place and that there's so much to see and to explore--let it brew a hunger inside of you that makes you crave more experiences of the unknown knowing that your family is always here rooting for you, wanting to hear about the world through your eyes.
• When in doubt, turn to God.  Take your fear, your hurt, your "I don't know how it's going to all work out," and give it over.  You don't have to walk alone.  You are loved.  And in time, it will be revealed.
• Your family loves you more than you can imagine.  Let this foundation be the roots that you need to fly.  Your father, brother, sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins have a giant "Go Kate" sign at all times and we are always here to remind you how loved and valuable you are.

So, now's your time, girl!  Here's to freedom, adventure, exploration, opportunity and deep love.  So much excitement in the new year.  Go take it by storm!! 

 

 

All My Love, Mom

48 Birthday Candles

May 6, 2023

Hello, 48!

48 birthday candles...48 spins around the sun...48 gifts of time...48 opportunities to keep getting to know me and the surprising beauty of aging.

********

I'm not going to lie, last year felt hard.  

It seemed like every time I turned around, I was losing hair, gaining weight, searching for a supplement that would minimize belly fat, getting lab work done to see if my hormones were out of whack, waking up at 3:00 a.m. full of fear, living in a land of perimenopausal uncertainty working to support my oldest as he engaged the college application/selection process and I randomly cried thinking about all of the lasts with him and our family dynamic as I know it.

Visualize a middle-aged woman in hot yoga, drenched in sweat, trying to balance her lady parts in the air, while tears flowed during the much needed shivasana.  This was me on the regular.

Just like no one could convince me that my whole world would change when I became a mother, no one can seemingly prepare me for how hard it will be to say goodbye to this amazing kid-- which is the exact place we're supposed to be--he heading to have a new adventure away from home, me free to be more present in my marriage, raising our remaining two, exploring opportunities in my career, and feeling what it feels like as my body changes and heart softens toward the wisdom of aging.

And as my tummy gets soft, my arms look like lunch ladies, my hair feels thinner and thinner, I feel deeply grateful.

****

There's something that happens at this sweet spot in life.  You start to decide what you really give a fuck about it, and for me, it's not much.  I have a singular focus on my husband, my children, my health and doing a good job for the clients I serve.  Otherwise, my house is a disaster and the truth is when the kids all leave, I doubt it will look much different.  I don't want to spend my time on that shit.  I like reading the New York Times and drinking coffee.  I like going on walks with my friends, and binge watching smart shows that keep me glued to the tube.  I get lost in podcasts and sometimes that means I don't go places that I RSVP'd to because I just want to stay home, and I really don't feel badly about it.

I don't care as much if or when people don't approve of something I do.  In fact, I rarely know, because I don't ask.  I just don't care.

I spend any free time I have talking with my husband about how our kids are doing and what we can do to support their dreams.  And, then, I start remembering that I have dreams, and we talk about what it will take to manifest them...like writing in Italy, growing my mediation practice, traveling the world to visit our kids when they study abroad, running a half marathon together, and trading fear for love.

So, as I embark upon this new year, I say hello to me--the me who was there before the husband and the kids and the perimenopause and the artificial expectations.  The me who feels free to explore, to try on, to fail, to get lost in wonderments, to say yes to the things that feel good, and no to the preconceived notions of others.  

May 48 be a wild ride of presence, joy, connection, sorrow for one chapter closing, hope for another beginning, and deep gratitude for all of the people who have surrounded me with unconditional love as I fall down, get back up, and keep remembering that aging is a privilege, a gift, a chance to keep growing, trusting that this life, my life is a good one.

Ode to 19-Years of Marriage

 

April 17, 2023

 

My Dearest Ray,

Happy, Happy 19th Anniversary!

I love that I'll be reading this ode to you at Costco, as we get tires installed on the cars while the kids are at school--a beautiful symbolic window into our jam-packed, crazy busy life.

What a wild ride we've had for almost two decades--but this particular ode stands out as a representation of a really special, emotional season in our marriage.

In a month, Sam will walk across the stage to receive his high school diploma, and then shortly after board a plane for Europe to experience his first time abroad.  Wasn't he just getting his first pair of glasses and talking about being old enough to get braces?

 

And now, Kate is learning to drive while interviewing for a fashion design mentorship program.  Wasn't she just twirling around in her first ballet class, and now she's learning how to merge into traffic?

And Claire is making a strong case for having her own room when Sam heads off to college at the end of the summer.  Wasn't she just at the Children's Museum face painting?

Weren't they all small enough that we could hold them on our hips, walk them home from school, play board games, and have everyone in bed by 9pm?

****

How did we get here, sweetheart?  They're kind of grown up.  

 And while we see this independence and self-sufficiency shine through and keep checking things off the graduation party to-do list, I can't help but think--thank God it's been you by my side through it all.

Thank God it's you who regulates my nervous system by taking me on a walk, making me a cup of coffee/tea, texting me an encouragement, helping Claire with her homework, preparing nightly dinner, and reminding me that it's not just going to be okay--that it is okay.

Thank God it's you who says fear doesn't get to have the last word, let's try love instead.

Thank God it's you who knows how to trouble shoot crazy ass household shit, change light bulbs, deal with appliances, analyze weird car sounds, and change out infinite printer cartridges.

Thank God for second and third and fourth and infinite chances and do-overs.  You hand them out plentily and give me a hug when I realize my own absurdity.

Thank God for the desire to try harder and to do better; and then, the humanity that says, I can't do this anymore and the ways you rise up to meet me where I am. 

Thank God that we're inches away from a college decision for Sam.  As you know, I only have three hairs left on my head and feel so, so tired from all of the uncertainty; and simultaneously, so, so excited for what is to come in his new chapter of life.

Thank God that you prioritize God and your faith; and start your mornings on your knees in gratitude for all that God continues to give, and regularly recite the serenity prayer for when we don't understand, but choose to trust anyway.

Thank God that you take good care of yourself physically and model to our children the importance of movement, healthy eating habits, and your intentional choice to not distract yourself with destructive habits that I see time and again in mediation.

Thank God that you love me--all of me--and that you take me on my terms and remind me of my strengths, my passions, my dreams, my hopes, and the countless ways that things have worked out in the past-even when I was certain that the rug would finally be pulled out, and the jig would be up.

****

Nineteen years feels like an eternity and a blip.  As we embark upon this new year of marriage, may you know that I could not love you more; and yet, I know that this time next year, I will. 

I don't know what God has in store for us and for our family; but I do know that come what may, I will be holding your hand, choosing you, every step of the way, today, tomorrow, and always.

 

You make everything better.  Happy Anniversary, Sweetheart.  

All my love, Kelly