Gratitude and Hope...Here's to the Next Chapter

May 14, 2021

My Dearest Kate,

Today, you will walk out of a building that you have walked into every day for 9 years.

Along with 58 of your classmates, you will say goodbye to the only grade school you've ever known, and hello to what the future holds.

We will begin the festivities with an awards ceremony and slideshow, a lunch, a school-wide clap-out, an evening graduation mass--everyone will be celebrating the gift that is you.

And somewhere inside of both of us lies this deep desire to remember, but not to dwell.

To reflect on what it was like to experience Kindergarten Round-Up, Friday folders, field trips, being the library/computer/lunch helper, Harvest/Valentine parties, dialogue journals, music programs, Pioneer Day, Halfway Hoedown, field days, state reports, advanced math, Speech, Daisies, the Omaha Academy of Ballet, altar serving, First Holy Communion, Science/History Day, good and bad hot lunches, card marks, 4th grade buddies, Kindness retreats, Narnia Tea, 6th grade poetry reading, braces, piano lessons, Hummel, Kitaki, Terra Nova/STAR testing, the bridge project, book reports, power point presentations...the list goes on and on.

And yet, I know that you're ready.  Eager for independence, freedom, autonomy, new experiences, different teachers, opportunities that only high school can provide.

It's time--to go on to the next adventure.

Where you can grow and try.  Reach and soar.  Fail and learn...and become the person that God created you to be.

So, before you do all the things this summer and beyond, I would be remiss if I didn't share these thoughts with you.  I shared them with Sam on his SMM graduation day.

Know thyself. 

You will undoubtedly, spend an inordinate amount of time in the following formative years trying on identities.  You’ll stumble examining what he wears, how she speaks, what books they read, which jobs they’ve landed, what streets are best, whether or not God is real, what to do with a broken heart, and how to live out your purpose.  The truth is that most of it is window dressing.  It just doesn’t matter. 

If you want to know who you really are, decide how you will treat the forgotten classmate, the irritating co-worker, the strange neighbor—the outcast—the one who rarely gets invited, whom others discard as less than or incomplete.  Eat with them.  Listen to them.  Encourage them.  Believe viscerally that everyone has value.  You can not know how much you’ll grow until you trust that every being has something to teach you.  And while you’ll be shunned for associating with the one on the fringes, you’ll learn about compassion, generosity, fortitude, and that most of the time, the Jones’s are just not that fun to keep up with.

Nothing is wasted.

You are going to hurt.  Life is filled with extraordinary amounts of pain. There will be something or someone that you’re going to want, and you won’t get it—not now, or maybe ever.  The trick is in accepting what is, and choosing to stand back up with hope for what could be.  One of life’s greatest corner stones is knowing that some things were not meant for you, because others are better.

Once you’ve honored what is, you begin to realize that nothing is wasted.  It’s not so much that every person teaches you something new…it’s that when you’re paying attention to the relationship, you realize something more profound about yourself.  When you look back, you’ll realize that you had to meet that person, or do that thing, that led you to that job, which brought you to this opportunity, and now, you are where you are, because everything was used for the good of you.

Stand in Gratitude

You will find that most people are desperate for happiness.  They will indulge in  magic shakes, pills, bottles of spirits, fancy cars, sparkly dresses, spas in all the right places, marriages of convenience—all for the hope of becoming comfortable in their own skin.  And as they consume, the hole of desperation becomes so cavernous that not even the wealthiest can find their way out.  The antidote to this cyclical game of pain is gratitude.

Intentionally choosing to stand in your light recounting that you are enough, and that you are blessed beyond measure is a recipe for peace.  Trusting that all is well while honoring the people and experiences that bring joy—particularly in the ordinary moments—will bring endless contentment and love.  Because the truth is that you are blessed.  There are more people than I can count who live and breathe for your stories, your presence, your engagement in their lives.  And when you reflect, you’ll discover that to love and to be loved is the only reason that we are here on this imperfect planet.

Give It Away

Throughout your education and life experience, you’ll be tempted to hold on to that which you’ve been given.  You’ll feel afraid that there’s only so much to go around, and that the smart people are the ones who cling tightly to what is theirs.  I have learned that this place we inhabit is a world of abundance, not of scarcity.  And when I choose to be generous with my time, my gifts, my knowledge, my listening ear, my hope—everything is returned.  Not necessarily by the same people or in the same ways that I might have expected—but when I’m in need, the world rises to meet me—and suddenly the pie grows bigger, not smaller.

If you only knew how much the world wants your dreams to manifest or how it seeks to conspire with you—you’d never be afraid to lend a helping hand or an encouraging word to another.  You’d recognize that we’re all here in the pursuit of something greater than our present circumstance, and that every life and interaction is intentional.  So give it away.  You’ll be amazed at what comes back to you.

Your Words Matter

As you know, I am in the business of stories.  I listen to people share their truths, and help them to build a new story that hopefully makes the future look better than the past.  The reality is that we all live our lives through the lens of story telling.  And as such, your words matter.  Take the time to think before you speak. Better yet, seek to understand, before you jump forward to be understood.  If you want someone to pay attention to your opinion, you must be willing to listen and to bear witness to theirs first.  Beyond listening, honor that their truth has just as much relevance as your own.  And when you hear something that you vehemently oppose, get curious.  Stand in the space of curiosity over certainty.  Decide that there must be more to the story, before you deem the story teller absurd.  Great battles, family divisions, and community upheavals have ensued because people made bold and unchecked assumptions about the other.  It is worth taking your time to listen to the story of the other, and to carefully share not only the ‘what’ of your own, but also the ‘why.’

Action in the Face of Fear

If you’re really living and not complacently going through the motions, you will be afraid to do something, to leave someone, or to give skin to the dream that lies deep within your heart.  Fear is good.  It signals that we care about what is before us, and what comes next.  What we do with this emotion determines our outcome.  As someone who has battled with fear and anxiety more than most, I can definitively tell you to choose motion over paralysis.  Everything you want lies in the unknown.  And the odds are that the steps to get there are not as insurmountable as you perceive. 

You watched as I crossed the finish line at a marathon.  Your father witnessed me submit a graduate school thesis.  Friends helped to launch my business into the market place.  And in every one of these experiences, I was deeply afraid of failing.  And the truth is, throughout the process, I failed multiple times.  I passed out on the trail from lack of hydration and proper nutrition during marathon training.  I had to throw away more than half of my thesis when my advisor explained that the argumentation was not sound.  I was terrified to get my business off the ground. And yet, in the failure came the learning and bizarrely, the dissipation of fear.  Putting one foot in front of the other, controlling what I could in the moment, instead of becoming overwhelmed by the totality of the endeavor saved me.  And it will save you.  Don’t shrink.  Lace up your shoes.  Fear can be used to propel, instead of to immobilize you.  

Choose Love

Our deepest desire is to be loved.  We yearn to belong.  This never goes away.  So, as you navigate all kinds of relationships, recognize that you cannot control another’s response—you can only control your own.  And so, when faced with the choice to gossip, to render petty commentary, to inhabit negative head space—choose love.  At every opportunity, take the high road.  Believe in the goodness of others, and pray for the ability to understand.  Forgiveness, compassion, grace, hope and kindness live deep within you, and while you’ll give them to others, you’ll find that you’ll really be giving them to yourself.

I am certain that I have many more snippets of advice, but for today, this will serve as enough.  We are SO proud of you, and all that you've accomplished.  You are a good person.  Here's to goodbye and hello.  Here's to gratitude and hope.  We're thankful to be on the journey with you.
 

And so, with that, have a great adventure...I could not love you more.

Love always, Mama

Ode to 46

 

Ode to 46...

In the spirit of honoring that which I know to be true at this squarely middle age, here are 46 truisms...at least for me.

• It is fucking hard to raise teenagers.  I'm currently raising two...Sam is 16 and Kate is 13.  Caught between living vicariously through them and honoring that they are their own beings who do not need a micromanaging, crazy ass mama controlling their game--we do our wobbly dance of love and expectations, struggle, apologize and repeat.
  

• Running is my favorite metaphor for life.  It hurts.  It's hard.  It breeds confidence, determination and the belief that with enough steps, over and over again, anything is possible.

• Do the work/honor the hustle.  Since owning my business, I've learned that half the battle is showing up, doing the work imperfectly, learning from my mistakes, treating the people I serve well and trying again tomorrow.  Success comes from consistency.  I know no one who lucked out.  You may have gotten the opportunity, but without the tireless follow-up and follow-through, there was no sustenance.

•  Be kind, even to the assholes.  It is free and important to be kind.  It isn't hard to say hello, smile and wish someone a great day.  And those words and that intention can be the difference in someone's willingness to see that it can be okay--and maybe that it is okay.
  

•  Move your body.  There really has never been a time I've wanted to run.  And there's never been a time after a run that I regretted going.  I can't seem to breathe and propel my body forward while miring in my own shitty thoughts.  Movement takes away the stories I've been telling myself about what will or won't work out, improves my mood, and reminds me that life is for the living.
  

• The story you're telling yourself isn't true.  I live in my head a lot.  I create wild tales about why someone thinks something about me and what the future will hold or why that thing happened in the past.  I analyze, over analyze, and then, cycle through again.  And 9 times out of 10, I'm wrong while simultaneously having wasted all that time--that I could have spent on calling a friend or drinking coffee-anything other than worrying.

• You're right where you're supposed to be.  This is probably my greatest lesson in 46 years of existence.  As much as I want to think that my time/opportunity has passed or that I'll never learn or that it's hopeless--something happens and I realize that I couldn't possibly have started my business then or ran the marathon in college or lived in Chicago--I am exactly where I'm meant to be today--growing where I'm planted.
  

• Nothing is for forever. I lied.  This may be my greatest learning.  In the moment, it feels so hard, so scary, so uncertain, so unfair, so not going to work out...and then one day, it doesn't.  I'm working on this with my kids.  There is nothing like black and white thinking when you're a kid.  Somebody sucks or they're a super hero.  Someone meant to hurt you or they're the bees knees.  The truth is--and I especially see this in mediation--rarely is the other out to get you or amazing--rarely is the relationship a failure forever (especially if you choose to work on it)--rarely is the situation permanent--because you are not a tree--you always have a choice to move.
  

• Your story is still unfolding.  The receptionist at our family dental office recently asked me, "What are you going to do when your kids go to college?  You're only a couple years away with Sam," to which I replied, "Breathe and sleep."  I will be in my 50's when all 3 of my children have flown the coop and all I know is that there will be another awakening, another emerging, another shift in my story--and that is exciting.  As such, I'm committed to owning the present for all it is.
  

• It isn't impossible.  My 10-year old daughter, Claire taught me this.  She's a bad ass taekwondo red belt.  I've watched her break boards and spar with kids and adults that hover over her--and she is not afraid.  She does archery, rides horses, writes books, and tells people to fuck off in her head (this was a new development she shared recently).  At the end of the day, she proclaimed, "If it lives in your heart, do it.  It's meant for you."  All too often, I won't attempt something because it seems ridiculous or for someone not like me i.e. an IronMan, and then, I remember Claire kicking the shit out of a competitor because she wants to, and I realize, it's only impossible in our heads.
  

• Always have a dream.  A few weeks ago, Kate, our soon to be freshman in high school came to the dinner table and said that she found her dream school--Amherst College.  Their acceptance rate is 11% and the tuition, fees, room and board in 2020-2021 are $76,800.  They have phenomenal design programs, a student body of 1850 and are situated in one of the most geographically beautiful communities in Massachusetts.  And this is Kate's dream.  She can tell you all of the reasons and she's chasing it. 
  

• Take time to be with the ones you love.  During the pandemic, every Sunday night at 7pm, my family gathered over Zoom to talk with my parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, aunt, uncle, and cousin.  We didn't realize how much it mattered, until we discovered that we knew more about each other because of this past year than we had from the previous.  Life is uncertain.  It isn't hard to call and connect with those you love.  And in the end, it's what you cherish.
  

• Every day, you get to choose.  This is one of my favorites.  I'm notorious for beating myself up over the things I did or should have done, until I remind myself that right here and now, I get to try again.  As long as you breathe, you get to pick.
  

• Coffee should be mainlined.  Jesus.  This goes without saying.  Good coffee is a super power.
  

• Tell the truth with your whole heart.  I have learned this most in marriage and parenting.  Cut the bull shit and share who you are and what you need.  Trust is built over being who you are and showing up to do the work honestly along the way.
  

• Write shit down.  God this is a big one.  I have journaled publicly and privately for most of my life.  One of the things I love best is going back and re-reading where I was when such and such was going down, how I felt about it all, and juxtaposing it to where I am today.  It's like being an investigative reporter of your life.  And, reflecting and writing is one of the cheapest forms of therapy and helps to get the fear and hope out of your being and into the world.  Can't encourage it enough.
  

• Say I love you...a lot.  If you know me, you know that I say I love you constantly because I do.  The words I love you are not ones to withhold ever.  To know that you are loved and have someone to lavish it on is what it means to be human and to be connected and to belong.  Say it--even more than you do now.
  

• Say I'm sorry over and over again.  Get good at apologizing--to your partner, your kids, your employees, your neighbor, your mom, your dog, and most importantly yourself.  The world is messy.  We behave poorly.  Our intentions don't match our actions.  Just accept what is, work to make amends and then, don't do it again.
  

• Tell your children they are loved, right now with no strings attached.  This is huge.  There should be one God blessed place in this world of uncertainty that children know they are accepted and that is with their parents and in their families.  For the love of God, love them up for the oily, quirky, mean, irritable, cranky, needy, little humans they are.  It's one of the most important jobs we have.
  

• Stop using your past as an excuse.  This has taken me some time.  It's seductive to stay trapped in the comfort of the old narrative until you realize that the thing that happened with the person was years ago and you are no longer living that life and it's time to stop using it as a crutch.  Live in the here and now.
  

• Breathe.  My work is to meet people in one of the worst times in their life.  Mediating divorces while parties navigate sharing their children is not for the faint of heart.  And when the shit is hitting the fan, I remind them and myself to breathe and that together, we can do hard things (to borrow a phrase from Glennon Doyle).
  

• Pray.  For me, prayer is stillness.  It is the quiet that I enter into and the space where I am open.  I share gratitude.  I plead.  Sometimes, I beg.  I hope.  I wonder.  I ask.  I remember.  I yearn.  But mostly, I believe that I am connected to something bigger than me, and I feel less alone.
  

• Dance.  I'm not very good at this--at all--but I like how I feel when I get out of my head and into my body.  My daughter Kate is a dancer and watching her reminds me that we were meant to move and to be free.
  

• The size of your house or bank account doesn't matter.  This one took a while--but I finally think I'm there.  I've learned that happiness isn't contingent on anything external.  It's something we choose for ourselves and own all on our own.  No one can give it to us or make us it--least of all material possessions.  How freeing is that.
  

•  Let it go.  At the end of the day, whatever you're worried about most likely doesn't matter, and if it does, with time, it will work itself out.  Surrender is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves.

• Get an education.  My children have been told since they could pull themselves up onto furniture that they will go to college, study abroad, go to graduate school, and not be allowed to marry until they're 30.  They mostly still believe this.  But I'm learning that an education is also mowing lawns, learning how to manage homework and tests, having a fight and resolving the issue, and keeping CPS from coming to your house because it's a pig sty.

• Travel.  Nobody loves the couch, a good book and Netflix as much as me, but the truth is that good things happen when you leave the house (according to Kelly Corrigan).  Have an adventure, so you can tell a story.
  

• Wear deodorant. For fuck sake.  Do your part.  And I'm not sure about these homemade shibangs.  I just think that part of my daily routine with my 16-year old son is, "Did you put on deodorant?" and the world thanks me for it.
  

• Leave it better than you found it.
• Stop complaining.
• Give the benefit of the doubt.
• Know when you've overstayed your welcome.
• Give hope.
• Get a dog.
• Smile at people when you walk by.
• Don't be a dick.
• Wash your dishes before you go to bed at night.
• Read.
• Send someone a text when you're thinking of them.
• Try not to hold a grudge.
• Drive a Honda.
• Do not teach your teen to drive.  Skip right to Driver's Ed.
• Decide what you believe in.
• Have the difficult conversation you've been putting off.
• Listen to the quiet yearning of your heart--it's not a coincidence.
• Remember that you are loved.

I didn't have the energy to write descriptions for the final 18--it made me realize that 46 is a lot--but I guess in a good way.  I've amassed some life and definitely some lessons.  I'm so grateful that I get to live this great experiment with people I love and who love me.  My prayer in this new year is more--more acceptance, more surrender, more hope, more connection, more love, more growth, more me.

Happy 46th...here's to it all.