Friday, October 9, 2015

Relentless Pursuit of Blessings

There's this funny dance that I do in my life.

I suppose it's a balancing or more aptly, juggling act rather than a choreographed number.

On one hand, I fully believe everything good in my life comes from God.

On the other, I equally subscribe to the notion that it's my responsibility to cultivate my blessings.

For example, for the last nine years, I have been given the gift of staying home full-time with our three children.  While it's not a perfect set-up, I do my best at any given time, to savor our experiences and not to take for granted that if there's anything we are rich's time and hugs and "I love you's."

Likewise, my legs work.  I can move them regularly.  They take me from point A to point B with little to no residual damage.  And so, I feel compelled to use them while I can.  I run and run and run.  And in the moment, try to appreciate the burn in my glutes and quads and to keep going, largely because I can and mostly because there will probably come a day when I can't.

So, essentially, to whom much has been given, much is expected.

But what do you do when you've received blessings that you don't want to cultivate?  Does God just keep giving them to you...sort of chance after chance...until you accept or surrender?  Or is that the power of free will?  You get to reject the seemingly "good" that comes your way, even if others would think you're an asshole for doing so.

Not long ago, I had an opportunity to interview for a full-time corporate opportunity.  Monetarily, it would have been a huge economic blessing for our family.  It would have made the prospect of Catholic private high school for three children, an absolute no-brainer.  But every part of it felt foreign and wrong to me.  I kept making myself want it for the place it would render our bank account, but I just couldn't.  I know...I feel like an ingrate even typing the words.

Slap in the face; piss in the wind; hole in the ass...who knows what I am?

I guess what I'm trying to be is more authentic, more connected to the parts of me that scream connection and passion and positive change in the just sometimes feels at the expense of maybe doing the obvious right thing.  I mean come on, our parents had jobs at AT&T for 30+ years complete with pensions, retirement and medical benefits.  They did what they had to do.  It was simply a means to an end.  No bitching.  Just a cold beer or glass of whiskey at the end of the day.

And to that end, I am a firm believer in Elizabeth Gilbert's mantra


I just wonder if it's okay to decide which blessings feel best given the season, space and time.  And when one does, if we are then spiritually, practically and pragmatically bound to give it all we've got.  If so, my greatest sacrifice has come in the form of my dedication to motherhood...we'll see what else God has in store. 

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