Friday, August 15, 2014

Mind Your Bees Wax

I count myself as one of the friendlier people in the world.

I believe in the good in others and the general rule that as a collective, we should look out for each other.

If you pass me on the street, I'll smile at you.

If I know you, even remotely, odds are that I'll hug you when we meet.

If you need an egg or a cup of sugar, come on over.

If you have unsolicited parenting advice to dole out, go sell your bill of goods to another mama and leave me the fuck alone.

And so it was that I was at the pool swimming with my kiddos.  As the hour turned witchy and our bodies had soaked up enough Vitamin D, I sent my son into the boys locker room to get showered up and I took my 7 and 3-year old daughters into the girls locker room to get cleaned up as well.

One of the fun luxuries of our pool/gym is that it has a hot tub right next to the showers and the girls love sitting in the bubbles right before it's time to wash up.

Claire, my 3-year old complained getting in and said, "I'm too hot," to which I promptly replied, "It's okay, just sit on the side and dangle your piggies in."

And then, out of the fucking blue, I hear talking and turn my head to the left to see a woman in probably her late 70's in the buck with the shower curtain open saying, "She can sit on the side if it's too warm."

Thanks...I think I just said that....trying to avert my eyes while singing the A, B, C's so that my girls don't notice.

To which she then continues, "Is She 5???  Because you know...they have to be 5-years old to legally go into the hot tub.  Those little kids can't regulate their body temperatures on their own and they can die."

Are you fucking kidding me?  The odds of my girls dying or at the very least being scarred for life are greater from watching you reprimand us while you vigorously scrub your twat in public.  What in the Hell is this?

Ignoring her and attempting to get us up and out of this twilight zone episode, she continues..."You really got to watch those signs...they're there for a reason."

And then my blood boils...I'm sorry, but somehow, someway, I have three children...9, 7, and 3 who are still alive after the countless ways that I'm sure I put their lives in danger on a regular basis...and so, short of openly flogging them in CPS on my ass, or someone who cares.  I don't have time for this shit.

Post our showers, the girls start putting lotion on their legs while I'm drying my hair and she turns to them yet again, "Careful, you don't want to get that in your hair."

Moments away from bitch slapping her, I see my 7-year old reaching for a plastic bag to put our swim suits in and just as I see the woman attempt to caution her again, I give her the worst stink eye you've ever seen coupled with a "gather your shit and leave or I'll cut you...I'm that close to the edge."

I'm a reasonable woman....but when it comes to my kids, kindly leave your suggestions to yourself....this mama bear's got it covered, thank you very much.

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