She'll blow your mind with her sweet blue eyes, blonde hair and smile that will make you give her the world.
Until she opens her mouth, shrieks at the top of her lungs and belts you in the mouth like its her job and sends your glasses flying across the room to boot.
Don't be fooled.
Her name is Claire and she's my two and half year old toddler from Crazy Land.
I've always contended that bright children are hard to raise. This is why I'm pining for a beautiful, sweet, dumb, loyal Golden Retriever who will let us pull her around the house, not require that we watch her do tricks or reward her for good behavior.
Claire unfortunately looks like a sweet Golden, but is really masquerading as a Jack Russell terrier deep down inside.
She knows what she wants, when she wants it and exactly how it will go down and far be it for you to get in her way of owning it.
And so it went today in the locker room at the gym. After a delightful afternoon soaking up sun and swimming like fish, we headed in, along with her older sister, Kate (5) to get changed.
Claire's typical MO is to run up and down the aisle of lockers while she hides inside random ones and pops out shouting, "BLLLLAAAAHHHH!!!" It mostly makes Kate laugh and gives me a desperate moment needed to feverishly change into my dress before grabbing her, ripping off the wet suit and trying to vacate the situation as soon as possible.
Everything was on track until a lady pulled onto the scene.
Unsuspecting, she had no idea that Claire was hiding in the locker next to hers and just as she was about to grab her clothes, my Jack Russell terrier jumped out of the locker and screamed, "BLAAAHHH!!!" To which the woman, dropped her towel, yelled an almighty scream and then farted.
It was the most embarrassing experience I've had in a long while.
I apologized profusely, grabbed my sociopath toddler and got the fuck out of Dodge.
Why in the Hell do these things happen to me?
I have to say that it was awkward, but only slightly less than the woman two rows behind her who was belting out her own rendition of "Open Arms," along with the radio.
Is it 5 o'clock yet? I need a margarita.