Ode to Claire on Your 8th Birthday

My Dearest Claire,

OH MY GOODNESS...today you are EIGHT!

It happened, just like that.

You are a big second grader who knows exactly who she is and what she wants in the world.

Extraordinary, really...when I think about it, I stand in amazement at everything that you teach me about how to live a full life.

First up, this year, you said, "Hell to the no's on ballet."  You've taken lessons since you were 3-years old, and watched your older sister dance for hours week after week.  Classically trained, pursuing the desire to be on pointe, you deemed that slice of the world, not your cup of tea.

Instead, you decided to trade your slippers for sparring gloves.  You're a fighter.  A full-fledged orange belt variety and three times a week, you Braveheart "KEE-YAH" the shit out of the other students who find themselves in the ring.

Next up, you love beyond measure the gift of reading.  Something clicked and now, your nose is always in a book.  Your current faves are anything Captain Underpants, Harry Potter, Amelia Bedelia, Land of Stories, Elephant and Piggie, and of course, the stand by Dr. Seusses.  It's been a magical ride to be a witness on your reading journey.  You love acting out the characters and snuggling together during the telling of the tales.

This year found you playing more piano than I could have imagined.  You've been devoted to practicing, and the only thing that keeps you from the ivories is the inherited guitar that had you playing "Happy Birthday" at the SMM talent show.  A perfectly pitched, beautiful voice, you love to sing and dance more than anyone else in our abode.

While Joy should have been your middle name, I often find that Feist and Sass are a bit more appropriate.  You are hard...I mean really freaking hard.  Stubborn, short, a tendency toward blurting out how your brother or sister are assholes while questioning nearly everything I tell you to do....you are a fierce ass force to be reckoned with.  And I struggle, I yell more than I should.  I use the famous "Because I told you so," more than I would like, and many times, I slink away in exasperation.

But you know what, I don't worry about you...not one bit.  You can hold your own.  You are brilliant, capable, confident, strong (I've watched you do many more push-ups in a sitting than I could) and you have an unwavering faith in God's love for you.  The other night while praying the rosary, you said, "Thank you God for life and death and all the days in between.  Thank you for the trees and the hedgehogs and Sam and Kate and for my friends, even the mean ones.  Thank you for loving me no matter what.  And for giving us a warm house.  I love you."

My blue-eyed, blonde-haired, firecracker of a girl, we love you too.  And as you grow, which we know is inevitable, channel your fierce spirit, your insane creativity, and extraordinary gift for decision making and use it for good.  Take the unconditional love you have in your heart and give it to others.  Let them know that they are loved too.

In your upcoming year, may you be showered with more joy than you can imagine--for you have given us more than we could have.

I love you to the moon and back,

Mama

Dreaming with my Mom

This is my mom...

From time to time, when I need a good chat, she meets me at the Starbucks and for a couple of hours, we solve the problems of the world and by the time she walks out the door, I always, always feel better.

On the docket today was reinvention.  She asked what I planned to do in a few short weeks when all of my kids start back to school and I asked her what she planned to do in a few short years when retirement becomes a reality.

Mom:
I want to learn a language or two.  I'd love to live in France and Hawaii.  I want to be there for families experiencing Alzheimers.  Of course, I want to spend crazy amounts of time with all of the grandchildren.  I want to dance and sing and eat chocolate and maintain an active yoga practice.  And love...I want to love lots in the world.

Me:
I want to run and sleep and eat sushi for breakfast and drink wine after my coffee.  I want to have long conversations helping someone, somewhere feel better about the spot they find themselves in.  I want to not worry anymore and to trust.  I want to write....lots of words that add up to something beautiful in the world.

Sucking down our respective caffeine selections, we promised the following:

I may not know what the future has in store, but I will always meet you for coffee and remind you that anything is possible, the world is full of second chances, you are extraordinary (because you are my mother and you are my daughter) and no matter where you go, I will carry you forever in my heart.

Happy Birthday, Mom

This is my mom and today is her birthday.

She turned a very young 63.

I've written about her before.  How for example if you've never met her, you would know that she is my mother simply by the sound of her voice.   She is soft and kind and way more sugary sweet than me.  Her smile will melt you and even if you're not the "huggy" type, you'll embrace her because she instantly makes you feel wanted and loved.

She has five children and 10 grandchildren and all of them love her to pieces.  When she comes to babysit, she sets the littles off on scavenger hunts and listens while they play the trumpet or the piano or watches them "Whip" and "Nene" or paint or play American Girl dolls all while expressing how big they've gotten and how beautiful they are.

If you need anything, no matter how small or large, it is yours...with absolutely no expectation of reciprocity.  There is literally nothing that she has to have because I've literally watched her give away most of her possessions at any one given time...with the mindset that you can't take it with you.

And if you want to know the the power of elbow grease combined with the unconditional love of the heart, watch what she does for a living.  Serving as a resident liason for amazing elderly people in their final days, she teaches yoga; dances the Jitterbug; prays when they are scared; calms their family when they are weak and gives them hope as their faculties are failing.  If you've not seen her in action, I can attest that it is holy work and not for the faint of heart.

All of this combined with her physical beauty.  She makes no bones about coloring her hair, taking care of her toes, maintaining an active exercise regimen and drinking a glass of wine or two or three...whatever it takes.

And as I look at her, I know that I am blessed to be her daughter.  At the age of 40, I pray that I get many, many more birthdays to honor and celebrate with her.  Many more times to say thank you for teaching me the power of sacrifice, the meaning of hard work, the declaration of love.

If I thanked you daily, it would not be enough.

Happy Birthday, Mama...we love you...xoxo

Remembering Her Five Years Later

These are pictures of my maternal grandmother, Elaine.

She was stunning in every way that you can imagine....physically beautiful, unconditionally loving, incredibly brilliant, and a born survivor.

She passed away five years ago today.

My grandmother grew up an only child and lost her mother to a brain aneurism when she was just 16-years old.  She met my grandfather when she was 15 and he was a scandalous 19-year old boy headed out to the navy during WWII.  Right or wrong, they loved each other fiercely and the hundreds of letters our family has in boxes demonstrates what it takes to wait for the love of your life while you're out at sea praying for a war to end so you can marry your soul mate.

I've missed her lately.

She was a masterful communicator.  She knew how to butter up anyone so that she could break the cold hard truth and they would thank her for looking out for them.  It blew my mind everytime.

She was a fashion model in New York City in the 1940's and understood how to work the camera lens while recognizing that at the end of the day, it was a pay check and that physical beauty was a dime a dozen.

She was a doting wife....and I mean doting.  A true 1950's housewife with dinner and the newspaper on the table along with a scotch and a kiss at the door.

But more than anything, she was a mother and a grandmother.  And she loved her children and grandchildren with a ferocity that feels unparalleled now-a-days.

She believed that ultimately, people were good and that it just took finding the sweet spot whether at the grocery store, the drycleaner, the bridge table or the neighborhood culdesac.

I miss her.  I wish that she knew my children and how much I try to emulate her way of living.  My prayer is that she's dancing with my grandfather, happy, beautiful, and free.  

Hard to Love

"High Maintenance"

"A Short-Fuse"

"Demanding"

"Focused to a Fault"

Anyone of the above words aptly describe me on any given day.  I've always been a bit set in my ways.  And when I decide that there's something I want, well, I want it now...come Hell or high water and there's not much room for error in between.

And so, it was with disdain but also a bit of clarity that I stumbled upon the following song and immediately added it to my running playlist.

Take a listen, if you're not familiar.

It's a tune called, "Hard to Love," by the country star, Lee Brice.  And it absolutely resonated with me for multiple reasons.

The first is that I've always known that I lucked out.  For those of you who don't know my husband, just look up 'Saint' in the dictionary and you'll find his name listed.  I cannot imagine anyone who would associate him with the words above this video.  You laugh...but seriously, the man is amazingly selfless.  When it comes to journeying through this life together, he's the partner that you want by your side. 

Funny as shit....bright....compassionate...sexy...dedicated father...supportive spouse....man of faith and in general, a truly stand up guy...he is the one that shows me that while I am hard to love, it's worth it.

The second reason that this song moved me is because I recognize that love...when it's truly authentic...is unconditional at its very core.  It's not based on score keeping or who does a better job at fill in the task.  It's about choosing to be there for the other person especially when they're most undeserving.  It's making the choice to love even when they're taking you for granted every step of the way.

Finally, it opened up my eyes to the blessing of being loved not in spite of my short comings but rather because the entire package of "Kellyness" even the hard to love components make me who I am and why my husband chose me forever.

And so it reminds me that I'm grateful.  I'm blessed. I stand in awe and I seek to emulate that model of loving another over and over again.

Because God knows, I don't make it easy. 

When Love is Not Enough

Usually by Thursday mornings, I'm making every excuse to turn my alarm clock off and go back to bed.

Particularly this morning because the kids did not have school and I was free from making lunches, pouring bowls of cereal and getting them out the door.

But I know how shitty I would feel if I didn't, and so, I laced up my shoes and headed to the gym to run.

Undergoing my usual locker room routine...

• Deodorant on pits
• Pit stop into the bathroom
• Garmin on start 
• Headphones cued to play list

I heard this...

"I'm done.  What am I really getting out of it anyway?  He's inconsistent and expects me to pick up the pieces.  He's just selfish.  Yep, love's no longer enough. "

It was the cute gym girl on the phone talking, I'm assuming, to her bestie.  Her last line before I grabbed my water bottle and vacated the premises stuck with me.

When is love no longer enough?

In almost everything else in life, if you just put in consistent, focused, and diligent effort, you will reap the rewards of success.

Relationships are a completely different animal.

In her case, she may have been putting in her share only to be met, day in and day out, by someone who didn't sign up for the same deal.

And so, different than the unconditional love that a parent feels for their child and by unconditional, I mean, children can shit on you selfishly over and over again and love will always be enough....it's just not the same arrangement in romantic love.

You've got to want to be there for the other.  It's absolutely like a friendship.  Consistency, care, follow through, loyalty, availability, interest, and love.  Once that foundation is established, well then all of the good physical intimacy is just icing on the cake.

But until then, the words "I love you, " only go so far.  And apparently for her, not the distance.