She Just Gets Me

We meet every two weeks at a hodgepodge of cafes around the city.

I of course order an Americano.  She orders tea and she orders nothing.

That's because, she's been up since the crack of dawn, tackling a bazillion miles on her bike, getting her yayas out and her endorphin rush on.  While she's been doing Purre Barre classes racking up more hours than I can conceive of...squeezing her ass and her abs and getting strong physically and mentally.

We exchange compliments like, I love your bag...you got the new Apple watch?!!...That dress looks fabulous...and then, hugs...before we get down to business.

The truth is...we're an odd group.  From the outside, we're in completely different life stations.  I'm married with three relatively little kids.  She's divorced with one soon-to-be graduating teenager.  And she's married with adorable furry four-legged creatures and looking to grow her family in the future.

They have massive jobs and kick-ass resumes.  She runs an incredible organization and makes donor calls and solicits board members.  She flys out to very cool destinations and leads a team of people who do good work.

And I well, you know what I do...so among them, I stand in awe of the talent and the humility.  I think that's why it works.

All three of us are so very different and yet, we have a passion and an energy that surges through our veins and when the time comes, we tell the other exactly what we think and question why following your dreams is such a crap shoot.

She wants me to write her profile for Match.com...I just laugh and think, what in the Hell do I know about dating?  I think marriage is a gauntlet.  But of course, I start to put the words together in my head and write the most eloquent piece about a friend that I feel like is worth her weight in gold and that the majority of men are completely undeserving of.

She wants me to write about the Imposter Syndrome because I constantly tell her that I feel like a fraud and want to exude the kind of confidence that she does in client meetings.

She thinks that the shit my kids say is for the record books.  I tell her that I wish I was making it up, but for better or for worse, this is my crazy, hot mess of a life.

When it comes down to it, I'm grateful to have a village of women in my life that I turn to for a myriad of hopes, dreams, support and needs.  These two girls just happen to really get me.  They know when to gently call bull shit.  They ask really good, open-ended questions when I'm trying to probe or dig into what the crux of the issue is.  And they make no bones about being flawed, imperfect, sometimes withering on the vine.

And yet, dutifully, even when we can't find a fucking parking space to save our lives....we show up, we smile, sometimes cry and always encourage the other that it's worth it.

I'm just so thankful to have someone(s) who gets me.

When an Email Changes Everything

It had been over ten years since she'd heard his voice, seen his face or known what he was up to.

Her hunch was that he'd settled down, gotten promoted, and maybe had kids of his own.

Their friendship hadn't ended well and lots of things that should have been said weren't, while other things that shouldn't have, came out in droves....making a reconciliation highly unlikely.

And then out of nowhere on a spring day, the message came, "I'm sorry.  I miss you.  I wish you well."

He wasn't an old boyfriend or past love, no he was more.  He was a really good friend...which is unfortunate because really genuine, giving, platonic relationships between guys and girls are rare.

But the truth is, she'd wondered and hoped that he'd found the love of his life, that he was making rituals of his own, and that the world was treating him with the kindness that he deserved.

The question was whether to write back.  And then, of course, what to say.  Had too much time passed?  Was it all simply water under the bridge?  Would they have anything in common and beyond that, how do you move past the awkwardness of the events that led to their separation?

In the end, hope usually wins and faith in their foundation forged a path.

"Thank you for reaching out.  I'm sorry for my part in how things went down.  I'm so happy to hear about your family.  Let's try again."

It's not always easy to reach out, especially when an extraordinary amount of time has passed.  It's not always easy to know what you'll get, when you do, but most of the time it's worth it.

Often, it just takes a little courage, vulnerability, hope, and a few key strokes.  Typically, I'm sorry is a good place to start.

When Love is Not Enough

Usually by Thursday mornings, I'm making every excuse to turn my alarm clock off and go back to bed.

Particularly this morning because the kids did not have school and I was free from making lunches, pouring bowls of cereal and getting them out the door.

But I know how shitty I would feel if I didn't, and so, I laced up my shoes and headed to the gym to run.

Undergoing my usual locker room routine...

• Deodorant on pits
• Pit stop into the bathroom
• Garmin on start 
• Headphones cued to play list

I heard this...

"I'm done.  What am I really getting out of it anyway?  He's inconsistent and expects me to pick up the pieces.  He's just selfish.  Yep, love's no longer enough. "

It was the cute gym girl on the phone talking, I'm assuming, to her bestie.  Her last line before I grabbed my water bottle and vacated the premises stuck with me.

When is love no longer enough?

In almost everything else in life, if you just put in consistent, focused, and diligent effort, you will reap the rewards of success.

Relationships are a completely different animal.

In her case, she may have been putting in her share only to be met, day in and day out, by someone who didn't sign up for the same deal.

And so, different than the unconditional love that a parent feels for their child and by unconditional, I mean, children can shit on you selfishly over and over again and love will always be enough....it's just not the same arrangement in romantic love.

You've got to want to be there for the other.  It's absolutely like a friendship.  Consistency, care, follow through, loyalty, availability, interest, and love.  Once that foundation is established, well then all of the good physical intimacy is just icing on the cake.

But until then, the words "I love you, " only go so far.  And apparently for her, not the distance.

Kelly's Hot Mess Celebrates First Year Anniversary!

One year ago today, I was in need.

Feeling stifled, a bit isolated and bubbling with so many thoughts that couldn't be contained any longer in the form of a journal...I decided to create and share my blog.

I titled it "Kelly's Hot Mess," primarily because on any given day that's really how I view my life...a compilation of craziness that takes the shape of raising three wacky kiddos, banging my head around being the most authentic and available wife I can be, running so I can feel my body in motion, and playing around with what it means to be alive in the most "real" way that I can document.

Since my inaugural, introductory blip, I've written 276 posts that revolve around the stories of my life and the crazy thoughts in my head.

I have been abundantly grateful for all of the commentary that the blog has elicited...some constructive, some controversial...but all helpful.  Private messages from readers have encouraged me that I'm not alone in my journey and collectively, that we're all trying to do the best we can.

My hope is to continue writing in this medium and maybe, maybe just one day expanding it into a collection of short stories or an essay submission to my favorite column, "Modern Love" in the Sunday New York Times.

Until then, know that I appreciate your readership, but more importantly, I treasure your friendship and the many ways that we've reconnected through "Kelly's Hot Mess."

Happy Anniversary!

Kindness in a Phone Call

The phone rang.

I was busy drying the dinner dishes and lamenting about how my knees ached from my hard five mile run this morning. 

According to my training plan, I should have run nine miles today.  I've been derailed for nearly three weeks with shin splints and am gradually getting back into it...struggling to build back up the mileage and the momentum that I lost along the way....and fearing that three weeks may not be enough time to get ready.

"Hello?," I said.

"I hope I'm not interrupting your dinner or evening with your family.  I was thinking about you and had to call.  I'm experiencing shin splints from the crazy amount of pounding on pavement today on my long walk (she works for a national non-profit) and I'm in pain.  I have no idea how you've been doing it.  But I wanted to let you know that I'm behind you.  You're not just running for you.  You're running for all of us."

After thanking her, I got off the phone and sobbed.

A stupid, dumb, 13.1 mile race.  Why has this become so important to me?  Enough to have me icing my legs four times a day.  Taking ibuprofen with each meal.  Reading everything I can get my hands on about form, cadence, shoes, injury remedies and running, in general. 

It's important, I think, because in some tangible way, it represents me.  The re-birthing of me.  Since I started this process, I've lost 22 pounds, gained strength, endurance, a lot of heart ache, and confidence.

The running I do is for me.  It's so that I can be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend...so that I can feel me again.  The miles, the pain, the endorphins, the exhilaration, the hurt, the hope...it's mine.  And I want so bad to finish this first big race.

So thank you, friend for the phone call.  Thank you for actually picking up the phone, dialing my number, and saying the words.  You have no idea how much they mean.  Your call demonstrated how we should never underestimate the power of reaching out.  We need each other more than we know.

Happy 100

I'm writing my 100th post for "Kelly's Hot Mess."

I started this blog four months ago and am so glad that I did.  Apparently, I had a lot that I needed to get off my chest, out of my head, and into the world.

What I didn't expect to find was the unbelievable camaraderie that would ensue with each post.  It has been so encouraging to hear from those of you mothers, wives, fathers, husbands...friends who can relate.  I'm grateful to know that I'm not alone.

I'm also thankful that I've taken the thoughts from my heart beyond my journal and moved them to a more communal setting where they can take on a life of their own.

Thank you for sharing in my journey, for cultivating our friendship and for reminding me that even though we may be miles away...we're always connected.

Friendship

She said, "I've been thinking of you, how are you doing with all of this?"

She said, "I'm on my way out, can I pick up a gallon of milk for you?"

She said, "You can do this, I know you can, I believe in you."

Since I've been a full-time stay-at-home mother, I've forged some pretty amazing friendships with women who are beautiful, generous, inspiring and loyal.  They have served as a support network, a beacon when times have been tough in my marriage and in parenting, and a lifeline when I've been in a pinch.

Women are inherently social creatures.  We love our husbands, but we rely on our girlfriends to tell it like it is...to love something when we do, to hate something as much as we do, and to commiserate with us when the scale hurts, the neighbor is a bitch, and the only thing that feels good is a glass of wine.

Here's to all of the women in my life who continue to inspire me, to challenge me, to nurture me and to teach me the true meaning of friendship.  Without you, I don't know where I'd be.

The Heart of It

The day after Thanksgiving, a friend and I made the decision to support each other by going to a Cardio Conditioning class at 5:30 a.m. instead of sleeping in. 

It was a tough call but somewhere between running stairs with sandbags on our shoulders, lunging around the gym track, and racing the treadmill on an insane incline, I turned and thought, I could never do this without friends.

Upon completion of the class and realizing that it was still really early, we indulged in a hot cup of coffee and some long overdue conversation.  It was so wonderful to catch up, to laugh, to share stories and to remember that while we rarely get one-on-one time, when we do, we're not so far apart.

We both want to be more physically fit.  We both yearn to spend more time with our husbands.  We both find it challenging to manage our families, our personal goals and our desire to just relax.

That experience helped me to decide that "Black Friday" should really be spent enjoying time with our loved ones and maybe (at least for me) not inline at WalMart.