Ode to 45

Today, I turn 45...years old.

Claire's reaction on the left looks like, "Hells to the yes!  Let's do this!"

Kate's response on the right is more like, "Oh my goodness, that's a big number."

And sandwiched in the middle, I'm feeling like, well, here I am.

Let's begin by saying that I've been pretty angsty about today...and not because it's 2020 and we're in the middle of a global pandemic, but because well, at 45...I think you're supposed to have your shit together.

But for some reason, I feel like I'm just getting started.

Really, I do.

****

In my 20's, I finished graduate school, got married, bought a house, had a baby.  In my 30's, I quit my job, stayed home for a decade, raised my now three babies, ran races, wrote a blog, and wondered if I'd ever see Tuscany and a business suit again.  In my 40's, I found myself teaching at a university, starting my own conflict resolution practice, watching my babies turn into big people-one of them much taller than me-and discovered the real meaning of running my own race.  I also got to go on date nights without paying for a babysitter, and began having genuine adult-like conversations with my children while writing a book.

So much has changed, and yet, so much is just beginning.

****

Recently, my best friend from college indulged my ramblings on a long walk.  It went something like this:

Me:  "Grown up 45-year olds live in fancy houses, travel to Fiji, and have cars that aren't vans."

Her:  "Grown up people are boring."

Me:  "Where did I go wrong?  I think it's too late.  I'll never be an Olympian or a Pulitzer Prize winning anything.  And, well, I think I still own a futon.  Fuck."

Her:  "But are you happy?"

Me:  "That's the thing.  I am."

Her:  "Well, then, I'd say, you're lucky."

****

And, that's why, firmly planted in gratitude, here is my ode to my new year.

Ode to
the wrinkles
the gray
the I don't care if she likes me...because I like me
to vulnerability and hope
and sushi and matcha green tea lattes with coconut milk
and to writing the fucking book already
to knowing that I am enough
and sinking deeply into my skin
making amends
saying I love you, because I may not get tomorrow
sucking it up, and taking the high road
trusting my gut--it always knows
taking risks
doing the next right thing
believing in the impossible
to God and the extraordinary ordinary
the sunrise, and the chance to try again
the gift of another year
another run
another chance to say
thank you for me
all of me
may I greet this year with all it has to offer
perfectly
imperfect.

Happy Birthday to me...

Ode to 16-Years

April 17, 2020

My Dearest Ray,

I never imagined that we'd celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary in the middle of a global pandemic.

An author recently coined this time the "Great Pause,"... a collective deep breath of uninvited, unexpected, necessary reflection.

And so, in gratitude with so much time to consider us...

Thank you...that during this time of roller coaster uncertainty, fear, and exhaustion, you know me so well to gently nudge media out of my hands, wrap your arms around me, and remind me of what is real and enduring.

Thank you...that planning to spend our 16th anniversary on a Friday night playing Scrabble with the kids, while eating an insane amount of popcorn doesn't feel like a let-down--because your love for our family passionately parallels mine.

Thank you for making all of the meals in our home so much better than I could, and for crafting the perfect carrot cake. 

Thank you...for honoring us by believing in who we are as individuals first.  You indulge my two cents on the latest podcast interview, NYT article, memoir I'm reading, political grappling, theory about how the world should work--and even if you don't agree--you let me have my time in the sun--with zero interest in changing me.  We share ideas, honor the differences, and move on.

Thank you for having boundless energy when I do not...and for never keeping score...because Lord knows, I owe you.

Thank you for teaching me that a 16+year love with two people in their "mid-lives" is messy, tiring, steadfast, ordinary, brave, magical, and filled with little to no bull shit.  This usually shows up in your show-me, don't tell-me way of loving each of us so fiercely.

Thank you for always doing the next right thing.

Thank you for your big, crazy, infectious laugh--the one that says, life is for the living and damn it, that was funny as hell.

Thank you for your love of God, and the way you model a life of lived faith and service to our children.

Thank you for taking the time, long before the Great Pause, to call your mom regularly, to find the perfect fabric for Kate's latest costume design...to attend every one of Claire's taekwondo lessons memorizing her form while she does...to listen to Sam while he painstakingly teaches himself how to play the guitar...and for consistently encouraging me to write the book in my heart.

Thank you for saying yes in a million little ways over and over again to us.

During the Great Pause, I am the luckiest....to get the gift of stopping dead in my tracks to look at you, us, and these three children of ours...if I thanked you daily, it would not be enough.

Happy Anniversary, My Love,

Kelly

Ode to Sam on Your 15th Birthday

February 8, 2020

My Dearest Sam,

Happy, Happy, Happy 15th Birthday!

In a few short hours, dad and I will collect you from your Freshman Retreat.  You've spent the past few days immersed in a tradition at Prep that generations have shared, and men have looked back at as transformational and connective.  We can think of no better way to begin the journey into your 15th year than connected to the Holy Spirit and your peers.

I'm not certain how to capture what an extraordinary past year this has been for you as a young man.  So much has transpired...and growth in every way has been the fruit.

You were confirmed at Saint Margaret Mary's...

 

After 9-years of education, you graduated from SMM...

You made the trek to Washington, D.C. with your class mates...

You spent the summer having fun with friends at Kitaki, while also learning the value of manual labor, work ethic, and brutal hours detasseling corn...

You received a scholarship to attend Creighton Prep High School, and have blown us out of the water with the effort and commitment you've made to honors classes and a course load you've excelled at.

You experienced your first Homecoming, Mother/Son and Father/Son masses, and learned how to tie a tie!

But if I had to pick one of the spaces that has been awe-inspiring, it was watching you take on the commitment and experience of running your own race on the Cross Country team.  Having never been a runner, it was extraordinary to witness your choice to run miles daily with your team mates, and to cheer you on at the races.  You had no desire to win a medal.  You just wanted to see how far you could go, and to cross the finish line.  You were humble, consistent, and open to the experience.  And as a fellow runner, I was never more grateful than when you cheered and ran with me as I completed a half marathon.  Knowing that you know what it feels like to push through the discomfort, I was grateful that we have a new found connection.

And meanwhile, you're deep in the throws of finishing your experience as a Boy Scout...planning your Eagle Scout project, and finalizing all of these years of camping, merit badge earning, and life skill attending.  One of my favorite memories was the final hike/camping trip you took with dad.

We have so many memories this past year of traveling and celebrating as a family...so many fights, so many words, so many I'm sorry's, so many hopes, so many silly jokes/stories/free-falls...

And in variably, because you are the oldest, and now officially, the tallest in our family, you have carried the burden of our learning.  We have placed immense expectation and hope on your ability to fully actualize your potential, to be kind to those you meet, to not subscribe to behavior that demeans another or makes them feel like they don't have a place in the group or an invite to the party.  And, we know that we ask a lot of you.

But man, Sam...you are the real deal in every way.  You are brilliant and kind and good-spirited.  You have empathy and a conscience that says I'm not going to go there, because in the end, it's just not right.  You are gracious and value humility.  You are a self-professed minimalist and can't understand why people need to have/buy so many things.  In the end, you believe that as long as we have each other, we have everything we need.

As we stare down this new 15th year, you'll become even more independent--getting your Learner's permit, taking Driver's Ed, hanging out with your buddies, starting up your lawn mowing business, traveling to camps, and in general being away from home will be more of the norm than being with us.  And, when I'm being honest, that makes me sad...but also happy for you.  You deserve every goodness that God has in store for you...today, and every day.

So, as we celebrate you--know that we could not possibly love you more...or be more proud and inspired by the young man you are.  You make us so honored to call you son.

All our love,

Mom and Dad

Ode to Claire on Your 9th Birthday

My Dearest Claire,

Happy, Happy 9th Birthday!

My goodness...here we are celebrating YOU on your special day...a day that you have been waiting for...for SO long!

You finally convinced us that you were old enough and responsible enough to get your ears pierced, even if your older sister has no desire to do so.

You also remind us regularly that self confidence is earned and what better way to do so than to kee-yah your way in the world.  This past year has seen you earn new colors of Taekwondo belts, new opportunities to earn trophies at competitions, and multiple chances to spar competitors (especially the ones who are bigger--they're your favorite).

Last spring, we celebrated a very special milestone for you, and for our family.  You were the last member to have a First Holy Communion.  It was a beautiful mass and an important reminder that you are never alone, and that God has such a beautiful purpose for your life.  Watching you twirl in your white gown and pray with family and friends made our hearts happy.

This school year, third grade keeps you very busy.  You could not be more in love with your teacher, and with reading and writing.  You've been feverishly working on a masterpiece entitled, "The Panda Story."  Most days after school and a snack, you grab your journal and my computer and you get to typing.  You've learned about dialogue, character formation, plot, the injection of humor, and the many ways to land a surprise in the midst of the tale.

Watching you grow has been crazy amazing.  Of our three children, you are indeed the most independent and self-sufficient.  You also convinced us that you were ready for a week of summer camp...and so, off you went.  Barely saying goodbye as you prepared your sleeping bag and said hello to your cabin mates, you could hardly wait for bonfires, hiking, swimming, silly songs and crafts.  And then two days before the end of camp, you called to say that you got a bug bite on your eye and that even though it was swollen, you had absolutely no intention of coming home--they just made you call to tell us.

You have a spunk, a feist, a sass, a Hutzpah about you that drives us all mad and also makes you adorable beyond measure.  You are incessantly singing pop songs and mass hymns, while also trying your hand at piano lesson ditties and You Tube medleys.  You love to tell jokes, laugh to the point of crying or peeing your pants, and tell stories about why the chicken crossed the road.

You're also the best and most frequent baker of the house.  Your all-time favorites are banana bread, scones, yellow cake, chocolate chip cookies, pumpkin pie, and really any recipe that you can get your hands on.

As you embark upon this new year, the final one before double digits, cling to your authentic self--even if the expression of it pisses us all off just a little bit.  Never doubt that your spit-fire ways will serve you well for many moons to come.  Trust in who you know yourself to be.  Keep writing.  Keep reading.  Keep imagining.  Keep reminding yourself that you are loved beyond measure--just for who you are.

And when the world feels a little blah--show up and give them what you got.

Kee-yah, Claire...we love you to the moon and back.

Love, Mama, Papa, Kate and Sam

Ode to Kate on Your 12th Birthday

July 8, 2019

My Dearest Kate,

Happy, Happy 12th Birthday!

I can hardly believe that this is your last year before officially becoming a teenager.  How is that possible?

In so, so many ways you are extraordinary--and watching you grow has been the greatest gift.

First and foremost, I don't think I know a more creative individual.

Whether it's the Art Fair at school or art class, you are constantly working with different mediums to paint, sculpt, draw, or design something that brings joy into the world.

But I have to say that this year, you blew all of our minds, when you decided to take an entire year to sew the perfect costume for Comic Con.  You had a vision to bring "Orphea, Heir of Raven Court" to life.  And that you did, sewing an entire costume, building a coffin with purple lights, securing prescription blood lust contacts, locating the best classic platinum blonde wig, and tricking out a pair of Good Will shoes--you truly embodied the part.

Fellow Cosplayers asked to take pictures with you, and for a few hours, you felt like a star.

But that's who've you've always been.  Since you were a little girl, you've been dancing your way into the hearts of everyone who crosses your path.  And it's hard, because in many ways, I still think of you as that little ballerina.

The one who flits around the studio humming and singing, loving just to be in tights and slippers.  But the truth is that you're a serious dancer.  This year will mark nine that you've been dancing and performing at the Omaha Academy of Ballet.  And as such, you'll find yourself dancing 4 nights a week doing ballet (and soon to be on pointe), jazz, and modern dance.  And then, you'll be dancing on the weekend, landing a special part in the Omaha Dance Project.  You're not so little anymore.

Which takes my breath away when I consider that this fall, you will be in 7th grade.  How is that even possible?  And, as a full-fledged middle schooler, you will head to school at o'dark thirty to take advanced math, and continue your service as an altar server, and stay late to be on the Speech team--which has become one of your new passions.

Still, by far and away, my favorite part is watching you voraciously read story book after story book, devouring characters, plot, and the love of language.  You still enjoy participating in the summer reading program and ticking off those hours.

When you're not reading, you're feverishly working on your business--Kate's Customized Dolls.  You take old dolls and repaint their faces, create stylish hair, sew new clothes, and work to sell them at local shops like Legends--our neighborhood Comic Book Coffee House.

To be honest, you inspire me to be present--to sink deeply into the moment, to reach for the exceptional and to be brave when it comes to sharing all of me with the world.  You've never been afraid to be Kate.  You have a quiet inner strength that says, "here I am--all of me--let's get to know each other and create beauty," and that is such a magical gift.

Thank you for sharing your gift of beauty and love with all you meet.  Thank you for being willing to lend your hand and your heart to everyone you encounter.  Thank you for leaving the world and people more beautiful than you found them.  Thank you for saving every love note, your daddy and I ever wrote you from your lunches and for reminding us that the only reason we are here is to love.

As you embark upon this new year, remember a few things.  The world can be cruel and unfair--but you can choose to share your vulnerability, even if others are afraid to share theirs.  Running for the Student Council and not getting elected is okay, because knowing that you have something to say and a way to make things better for others is what really counts.  There's nothing wrong with having only one really good friend.  Making one person feel that they matter is enough.  Sometimes, it can be hard to share a bedroom with your 8-year old sister, when all you really want is to cry or laugh or watch YouTube videos without an onlooker, but knowing how to share your space and your life with someone you love, will make you better.

Never forget that you have a voice and you have a purpose.  Share your unique "you" with everyone.  Being different is an absolute gift.  Embrace that.  Own it.  Relish it.  There is only one Kate and she is a beautiful, vibrant, whole, joy-filled, imperfect, and exactly enough in every way young woman.  Here's to being 12 and all that it has to offer you and the world.

Thank you for letting us share in your journey.

We love you to the moon and back,

Mama, Papa, Sam and Claire
xoxoxoxoxo

Goodbye and Hello

May 17, 2019

Dear Sam,

Today, you will walk out of a building that you have walked into every day for 9 years.

Along with 63 of your classmates, you will say goodbye to the only grade school you've ever known, and hello to what the future holds.

All of the traditions will be in full force...8th grade mass, brunch/slideshow, field day, clap-out, Confirmation, Liturgy, dance, reception, parties...everyone will be celebrating the gift that is you.

And somewhere inside of both of us lies this deep desire to remember, but not to dwell.

To reflect on what it was like to experience kindergarten round-up, Friday folders, field trips, being the library/computer/lunch helper, Harvest/Valentine parties, dialogue journals, music programs, Pioneer Day, Halfway Hoedown, Mother/Son Bowling, field days, state reports, advanced math, STAC, Speech, Scouts, Flag Football, altar serving, First Holy Communion, safety patrol, Science/History Day, Lincoln bus trip, Crew Team, youth group, hot lunch, 8th grade play, card marks, detention, Saturday school, 4th grade buddies, Kindness retreats, Narnia Tea, 6th grade Poetry Reading, braces, piano lessons, Hummel, Kitaki, Terra Nova testing, the bridge project, book reports, power point presentations...the list goes on and on.

And yet, I know that you're ready.  Eager for independence, freedom, autonomy, new experiences, different teachers, opportunities that only high school can provide.

It's time--to go on to the next adventure.

Where you can grow and try.  Reach and soar.  Fail and learn...and become the person that God created you to be.

So, before you do all the things this summer and beyond, here's what I would be remiss if I didn't share:

Know thyself. 

You will undoubtedly, spend an inordinate amount of time in the following formative years trying on identities.  You’ll stumble examining what he wears, how she speaks, what books they read, which jobs they’ve landed, what streets are best, whether or not God is real, what to do with a broken heart, and how to live out your purpose.  The truth is that most of it is window dressing.  It just doesn’t matter. 

If you want to know who you really are, decide how you will treat the forgotten classmate, the irritating co-worker, the strange neighbor—the outcast—the one who rarely gets invited, whom others discard as less than or incomplete.  Eat with them.  Listen to them.  Encourage them.  Believe viscerally that everyone has value.  You can not know how much you’ll grow until you trust that every being has something to teach you.  And while you’ll be shunned for associating with the one on the fringes, you’ll learn about compassion, generosity, fortitude, and that most of the time, the Jones’s are just not that fun to keep up with.

Nothing is wasted.

You are going to hurt.  Life is filled with extraordinary amounts of pain. There will be something or someone that you’re going to want, and you won’t get it—not now, or maybe ever.  The trick is in accepting what is, and choosing to stand back up with hope for what could be.  One of life’s greatest corner stones is knowing that some things were not meant for you, because others are better.

Once you’ve honored what is, you begin to realize that nothing is wasted.  It’s not so much that every person teaches you something new…it’s that when you’re paying attention to the relationship, you realize something more profound about yourself.  When you look back, you’ll realize that you had to meet that person, or do that thing, that led you to that job, which brought you to this opportunity, and now, you are where you are, because everything was used for the good of you.

Stand in Gratitude

You will find that most people are desperate for happiness.  They will indulge in  magic shakes, pills, bottles of spirits, fancy cars, sparkly dresses, spas in all the right places, marriages of convenience—all for the hope of becoming comfortable in their own skin.  And as they consume, the hole of desperation becomes so cavernous that not even the wealthiest can find their way out.  The antidote to this cyclical game of pain is gratitude.

Intentionally choosing to stand in your light recounting that you are enough, and that you are blessed beyond measure is a recipe for peace.  Trusting that all is well while honoring the people and experiences that bring joy—particularly in the ordinary moments—will bring endless contentment and love.  Because the truth is that you are blessed.  There are more people than I can count who live and breathe for your stories, your presence, your engagement in their lives.  And when you reflect, you’ll discover that to love and to be loved is the only reason that we are here on this imperfect planet.

Give It Away

Throughout your education and life experience, you’ll be tempted to hold on to that which you’ve been given.  You’ll feel afraid that there’s only so much to go around, and that the smart people are the ones who cling tightly to what is theres.  I have learned that this place we inhabit is a world of abundance, not of scarcity.  And when I choose to be generous with my time, my gifts, my knowledge, my listening ear, my hope—everything is returned.  Not necessarily by the same people or in the same ways that I might have expected—but when I’m in need, the world rises to meet me—and suddenly the pie grows bigger, not smaller.

If you only knew how much the world wants your dreams to manifest or how  it seeks to conspire with you—you’d never be afraid to lend a helping hand or an encouraging word to another.  You’d recognize that we’re all here in the pursuit of something greater than our present circumstance, and that every life and interaction is intentional.  So give it away.  You’ll be amazed at what comes back to you.

Your Words Matter

As you know, I am in the business of stories.  I listen to people share their truths, and help them to build a new story that hopefully makes the future look better than the past.  The reality is that we all live our lives through the lens of story telling.  And as such, your words matter.  Take the time to think before you speak. Better yet, seek to understand, before you jump forward to be understood.  If you want someone to pay attention to your opinion, you must be willing to listen and to bear witness to theirs first.  Beyond listening, honor that their truth has just as much relevance as your own.  And when you hear something that you vehemently oppose, get curious.  Stand in the space of curiosity over certainty.  Decide that there must be more to the story, before you deem the story teller absurd.  Great battles, family divisions, and community upheavals have ensued because people made bold and unchecked assumptions about the other.  It is worth taking your time to listen to the story of the other, and to carefully share not only the ‘what’ of your own, but also the ‘why.’

Action in the Face of Fear

If you’re really living and not complacently going through the motions, you will be afraid to do something, to leave someone, or to give skin to the dream that lies deep within your heart.  Fear is good.  It signals that we care about what is before us, and what comes next.  What we do with this emotion determines our outcome.  As someone who has battled with fear and anxiety more than most, I can definitively tell you to choose motion over paralysis.  Everything you want lies in the unknown.  And the odds are that the steps to get there are not as insurmountable as you perceive. 

You watched as I crossed the finish line at a marathon.  Your father witnessed me submit a graduate school thesis.  Friends helped to launch my business into the market place.  And in every one of these experiences, I was deeply afraid of failing.  And the truth is, throughout the process, I failed multiple times.  I passed out on the trail from lack of hydration and proper nutrition during marathon training.  I had to throw away more than half of my thesis when my advisor explained that the argumentation was not sound.  I was terrified to get my business off the ground. And yet, in the failure came the learning and bizarrely, the dissipation of fear.  Putting one foot in front of the other, controlling what I could in the moment, instead of becoming overwhelmed by the totality of the endeavor saved me.  And it will save you.  Don’t shrink.  Lace up your shoes.  Fear can be used to propel, instead of to immobilize you.  

Choose Love

Our deepest desire is to be loved.  We yearn to belong.  This never goes away.  So, as you navigate all kinds of relationships, recognize that you cannot control another’s response—you can only control your own.  And so, when faced with the choice to gossip, to render petty commentary, to inhabit negative head space—choose love.  At every opportunity, take the high road.  Believe in the goodness of others, and pray for the ability to understand.  Forgiveness, compassion, grace, hope and kindness live deep within you, and while you’ll give them to others, you’ll find that you’ll really be giving them to yourself.

I am certain that I have many more snippets of advice, but for today, this will serve as enough.  We are SO proud of you, and all that you've accomplished.  You are a good person.  Here's to goodbye and hello.  We're thankful to be on the journey with you.

All my love,

Mama