Offer Your Flawed Self Deeply to the World

I came across this today...one of my favorites by the brilliant, Mary Oliver.

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

And it reminded me that I spend far too much time caring about what others and in general, the world thinks of me.

As I get older and what I'd like to think is a bit wiser, I'm mindful of the connections and relationships I have that matter.

I can easily tell you the ones that are the most nutritive and fill me with a sense of love and gratitude and certainly, those that are surface and not nearly as transparent.

As a person who loves walking into a room and connecting with as many people as I can, I find that I'm shifting, gravitating toward fewer, deeper, more satisfying relationships.

I'm much more interested in knowing you...really knowing you, than just making you up in my head because we don't talk about the things that matter.

And, if we can't find our way toward the things that matter, than well, we probably don't have much in the way of sustenance.

I am refreshed and grateful when people are willing to share their war wounds, their fears, their pipe dreams.  It gives me license to launch into my own and somewhere in that crazy mix, we blend and find ourselves in the 'other.'  And that is extraordinarily powerful.

After school today, I told my children that it's not your responsibility to be the 'deepest' of friends with all of the people in your class.  You should strive to be kind and compassionate.  But those few that you know in your heart are your 'people'...well, they should be taken care of...you share parts of yourself and they in turn do the same and before you know it...they're a part of your family...an extension of you.  And, that's a beautiful thing.

When Love is Not Enough

Usually by Thursday mornings, I'm making every excuse to turn my alarm clock off and go back to bed.

Particularly this morning because the kids did not have school and I was free from making lunches, pouring bowls of cereal and getting them out the door.

But I know how shitty I would feel if I didn't, and so, I laced up my shoes and headed to the gym to run.

Undergoing my usual locker room routine...

• Deodorant on pits
• Pit stop into the bathroom
• Garmin on start 
• Headphones cued to play list

I heard this...

"I'm done.  What am I really getting out of it anyway?  He's inconsistent and expects me to pick up the pieces.  He's just selfish.  Yep, love's no longer enough. "

It was the cute gym girl on the phone talking, I'm assuming, to her bestie.  Her last line before I grabbed my water bottle and vacated the premises stuck with me.

When is love no longer enough?

In almost everything else in life, if you just put in consistent, focused, and diligent effort, you will reap the rewards of success.

Relationships are a completely different animal.

In her case, she may have been putting in her share only to be met, day in and day out, by someone who didn't sign up for the same deal.

And so, different than the unconditional love that a parent feels for their child and by unconditional, I mean, children can shit on you selfishly over and over again and love will always be enough....it's just not the same arrangement in romantic love.

You've got to want to be there for the other.  It's absolutely like a friendship.  Consistency, care, follow through, loyalty, availability, interest, and love.  Once that foundation is established, well then all of the good physical intimacy is just icing on the cake.

But until then, the words "I love you, " only go so far.  And apparently for her, not the distance.

Agree to Disagree

I've always been considered more "liberal" than most in my family.

I tend to differ with regard to my political beliefs, my thoughts on social issues and my sort of a la carte Catholicism.

So, it's not surprising to me when I find myself in a constructive dialogue about difference of opinion.

And given that I focused my graduate studies on a degree in Conflict Resolution, I'm no stranger to difference.  I really think it's the only honest, authentic way to engage in this world.

But the older I get and the more conversations I have particularly with regard to faith/religion...I'm finding that it may not be as productive or helpful to have an all-out debate with those you love.  Sometimes, agreeing to disagree with the goal of the preservation of the relationship in mind is the best route.

And believe me, that's hard for me to admit given that I came out of the womb debating.  But the truth is that we're not here to change one another.  We may enhance each other's perspectives or provide a richer picture as to why we adopt a particular world view, but if you're debating the validity of ones faith, it's a losing battle.

So, depending upon how important the relationship is to you, it may be more helpful to smile and agree and to disagree.

Bumping into an "Ex"

I'll never forget it. 

I was sitting in the library reading to my kids.  They were engrossed in the story of Curious George  and I was doing all of the voices.

And then, I heard a voice that wasn't mine.  "Hi there."  It was him and we hadn't seen each other in almost ten years.  It was a former boyfriend with his little boy. And as I introduced my children to him, "Sam/Kate...this is Mr. X,"  my heart was about to leap out of my chest.

The other night, my girlfriends and I were having drinks...taking a trip down memory lane...recounting stories of our previous relationships.  It was a funny, sweet, tipsy dialogue about the beauty of love.

Doesn't everyone have a story?  Rarely do you marry the first love, the first kiss, the first relationship.  Most of the time, you have an "ex" (even though, I hate that word).

And no matter how old you are...17, 18, 19, 36, 50...you still want to look good when you happen to bump into them at the most random of locations, like the library.  In some silly, sophomoric, ridiculous way you want to viscerally say, "I still got it going on..."  And, for a moment, make them wonder.  I think it's all very human.

But the older I get, I am grateful for the ability to say thank you for being in my life, for making a difference, and best of luck.  And then, the feisty part of me thinks..."Ha, I always knew you'd go gray first."  Just because I can't help myself.