Ode to 49 Birthday Candles

May 6, 2024

Ode to 49 Birthday Candles!

To age in America, particularly as a woman is a weird deal.  For so many years, your worth is predicated on being noticed and even with all of the mantras and grounding, it's hard not to get sucked into the culture.  So, when your children start to fly the coop, and you're left with all of the laugh/cry lines, the soft belly and the void, it gets real.  Who are you?  What matters?  How do you want the next chapter to look?

I've been thinking a lot about this as I process picking up our first born from his first year at college, preparing for our middle daughter's senior year of high school, and our baby's graduation from 8th grade. How do you measure a life?  And, how do you evolve in a life?  And, more importantly, how do you sink deeply into a life when you realize, if you're lucky, your life is halfway done?

I've read multiple times that the measure of a good life is the connection and relationships with those we love-that is what sustains us and what we will miss when we go.  And so, I think that's what I want in this new year, in this last year of the 40's.  

• I want deep presence in my life with those I love.  I think that looks like saying yes to more wine, coffee/tea, walks, laughing, last minute gatherings, and letting my to-do list go to make space for my loved ones.
  
• I don't want to measure my worth in my body weight or my small business hustle. I am beautiful and good at what I do. Period.
• I want to ground myself in myself by taking the time to listen to what my body needs--lately, that's been a lot of walks in the park and hot yoga with my husband.  And reminding myself that a lot of times breathing, a glass of water, and time heal many ailments.
  
• I want to write again.  I remember when it was part of my day-just like brushing my teeth or drinking coffee, I did it because it was me.  I am better when I write, I need to make it a habit.
  
• I want to walk the streets of Italy with my husband and share our dreams, our gratitude for what is and what will be and trust that all is really well.
• I want to believe that I am a good mother, and that the evolution of my relationship with my children will come organically; and that I can trust that I've laid fertile roots that will help us both to know we can return to each other as we work through our next chapters in life.
• I want to do a better job of staying connected to my parents and my siblings.  Life is fragile.  Unspeakable, unexplainable things happen for no good reason.  Today is a good day to call and to connect imperfectly.
• I don't want to worry--really anymore.  But, knowing who I am, I guess I just want to catch myself faster in the downward spiral to recover and to believe that I have myself, no matter what.
• I want to cultivate joy.  This means letting myself laugh, curse, dance, sing, and grow.
• I want to believe that I am enough and that life is for the living.
  

I feel like this is a good start for the things I want; but I'd also like to pay homage and gratitude to what I have learned in my almost half century of life.

• It's okay to not know.  Sitting in silence with a friend who is sad/unsure, holding space for what is, is often better than trying to drum up platitudes that may or may not be true.
• I am better because I've been tested.  It's impossible to know who you are or what you're capable of until you've been gobsmacked by what you couldn't have predicted, and see what you do.
• Trust the process.  Life is a tricky bastard.  Just when you think it's going to go one way, it doesn't, and then, it does, and then, it doesn't--and then...somehow, someway, you get to where you're supposed to be; and you appreciate it more because it was crooked and fucked up at times.
  
• Go with the willing.  Find like-minded people and hold on to them.  Check in.  Love them well.
• Get back up.  I've fucked up a lot in my life.  In the aftermath, I've tried to allow myself a small pity party, and then, to get up imperfectly again.
  
• Figure out how to have difficult conversations, and learn how to say I'm sorry and to mean it.  I hesitate to say this, because I'm largely employed because people can't do this--but it's the heart of every conflict I encounter, including my own.
• Love, love, love--the only reason we are here is to be in service of the other--without judgement. 

I pray that in this final decade of the 40's that I can remember the lessons I've learned, while keeping a clear vision for what I want/don't want in this new year of life.

Aging is a privilege.  Thank you for the gift of 49 Birthday Candles.