It's a few days away from Easter and a few weeks away from my Kate's First Holy Communion.
So, this past weekend, we continued talking about the transformation that occurs when receiving the eucharist.
Simultaneously, a group of my soul sisters and I celebrated an amazing experience of sharing mass with a Jesuit priest at sunset at the Holy Family Shrine...an unbelievable glass walled chapel where you can feel God's presence in the water that runs through the floor and the sun that floods through the windows.
And while I was praying, I remembered a conversation that I had with Kate about sin. She asked me if there are some sins that we sin our entire life and in particular, since I was the mommy and have lived for so much longer, are there some sins that I've sinned my whole life. I thought about it and had to answer, yes. She followed-up with, "Well, then why should we pray to have God take them away, if we'll never get there? It seems silly."
Not long after that dialogue, I had a conversation with my girlfriends about living the best versions of ourselves and more specifically, asking if they were living their highest truth. All of them almost instantly said, no. It's not that they were disappointed in their current life station, it's just that their vision held something different, richer, more authentic, deeper.
And so the overwhelming question became, why do we try to posit change? If at the end of the day, we find ourselves repeating patterns, behaviors, actions we know aren't helpful...why do we keep trying to behave differently? It's something I've been struggling with this Lenten season.
What I'm landing on is that guilt doesn't work. It only serves to send us spiraling back into the same spinning cycle of status quo. Instead, what I'm drawing closer to is the Ignatian Examination of Consciousness...which in it's most basic form is a daily reflection of our deepest hearts desires prompting three powerful opportunities to discern...Where today did I experience profound joy? Where did I feel deep sorrow or pain? And the extension of the invitation to God to help you along the journey.
And what this prayer screams to me is drawing deeper and closer to your truth...to exploring and unfolding the purpose that God has for your life and trusting in His grace and peace to help you uncover it.
And so are their actions that I have committed my whole life that I wish I could change, absolutely. But I won't get closer to the highest version of myself by steeping myself in them. I draw closer to the purest parts of me when I move towards that which brings me joy and when I apologize to those I've wronged along the way and ask God to guide me toward a deeper uncovering of my purpose and His vision of me. And no matter how painful or how exhausting, it's a journey worth enduring.
This is what I shared with my Kate...who looks adorable in her initial try-on of the First Holy Communion dress...
Here's to finding our way toward the best versions of our beings.