May 6, 2025
I remember when I started this blog about a decade ago I was knee-deep in raising these amazing kiddos...Sam (10), Kate (8) and Claire (5).
I rarely thought about who I was outside of being a mother and I was more than happy to be there. We went to the park. I pushed them on swings. We made sand castles. We had library cards and carted bags of books to the playground where we climbed trees and nestled in with snacks and the breeze. We rode bikes. We created lots and lots of art--our house was filled with glue, glitter, paint, clay, pipe cleaners, construction paper and music. We baked. We ate lots of Mac and cheese. We imagined. We got angry. We learned how to say I'm sorry. We couldn't stop saying I love you. And we became a family.
And as they grew and we decided that they would continue to go to Catholic school, I went back to work-first in their school and then cultivated my own private conflict engagement practice. And it wasn't easy, we navigated the dance of balancing activities, work obligations, and the disorienting feeling of watching time fly by.
Now, Sam is finishing his sophomore year in college and preparing to study abroad in Copenhagen next year. Kate will begin her college adventure in the BFA Theater Tech/Design program at Nebraska Wesleyan, and Claire will begin high school at Duchesne. And, I am 50.
The beautiful problem of pouring yourself so deeply into your family is that when you look up and they are heading out, you ask, what now? Who am I? What have I learned? What/where are my dreams? And these are good questions to be intentional about even if they feel daunting.
As I reflect, I've learned who I am and who I'm not. I am a person who wears her heart on her sleeve. I am deeply interested in getting at the vulnerable with everyone I meet and have little interest or time in pretense or pretending. This has served me well in my work and relationships, but has hurt me in times when I should have a better poker face. I just literally can't do it.
I am a person who looks like she has a great life on paper, but is almost always second guessing herself. Did I do the right thing? Did I make the best choice? How will it all work out? Is it going to be okay?
And while I'm deeply grateful for my humility, in my next chapter, I want to work on my chutzpah.
I am a person who believes in the good. I trust that even if I don't know all of the inner workings or the pathway to get there that my lived experience demonstrates I will land where I'm supposed to--and that all of the twisty, windy turns have purpose and value, and that it's my choice/opportunity to learn from them.
And, after half a century, I know that life is complex and it's not about achieving or arriving or completing a plan--it's about noticing, wondering, connecting, intentionally choosing to share hope and love.
So, now that these kids are launching--what's next for me? Well, I hope to mediate for a long, long time. I hope to continue teaching graduate students. I hope to keep celebrating many anniversaries and taking beautiful trips with my husband. I hope to travel to where my children are studying/living to see the world through their view and to keep sharing bags of books and good coffee. But I also, really, really want to write. I want to put my stories into the world, even if I second guess myself and don't quite know if or how they'll be received.
Here's to trusting and trying and the continual belief that life is about taking the leap in the only skin that is yours, believing that there's good people to catch you, and that your voice/yearnings matter and are meant to be shared.
You've got this...
Love, Me
