Ode to Claire on Your 15th Birthday

My Dearest Claire Bear,

Happy, Happy 15th Birthday!

What an incredible year you've had--chock full of so many milestones--8th grade graduation from SMM, beginning of high school at Duchesne, and now both of your siblings away at college.

This is the first time in your life that it's just been you, dad and me at home without Sam and Kate.

Many days, I think of you like this...

And then, other days, I think of you like this...

You are this unique, brilliant amalgamation of wickedly intelligent, incredibly kind, stunningly beautiful, utterly precocious, unGodly persistent, feistily creative, and the strongest advocate I've met in the world. To put it simply, you cannot be pinned down.  You are a dynamic dance of it all.

This past year had you saying goodbye to a school that our family had been a part of for fifteen years--it was beautiful to watch you share your 8th grade Confirmation with Kate as your sponsor and all of our family as you graduated.

Next, you passed the baton and helped to celebrate Kate as she graduated from Duchesne and you got ready to enter as a freshman.

And during this transition, it has been absolutely incredible to witness you forge your own path.  You have immersed yourself completely with a fantastic group of friends, acted in your first play, began ringing bells in the bell choir, applied and got accepted to the Kent Bellows art fellows program at the Joslyn and have truly and completely hit the ground running.  It's been inspiring to watch and has us continually trying to catch our breath.

And, throw in that you started mowing lawns to make some nice pocket cash and found a great friend in an older woman from church who has been so kind to you.

And throughout all of it--the figuring out how to make new friends, how to manage your time, how to integrate into the challenge of high school academics, how to advocate for what you need, and how to largely do it alone without your brother and sister at your side-you have been nothing short of remarkable. An incredible force to be reckoned with.

As you belt Beastie Boys--your latest vinyl Aunt Lisa gave you--from your bedroom, I see that you are your own best you.  

You have a strong voice and you're not afraid to let the world know your perspective-particularly if you feel like there's an injustice or something/someone that needs to be reckoned with. You are powerful and stubborn and sometimes, we butt the heck out of our heads.  But the really amazing thing I've learned from you is the importance of a really good, "I'm sorry and I love you." You are quick to hug and there are no limits to your loyalty.

So, as you embark upon this new year, getting your learner's permit and taking driver's ed--while I'd love for you to slow down and let me catch my breath, I know that's not your speed.  So, let me promise you that I'm along for the ride--all of the crazy, the beautiful, the unknown, the hard, the Johnny Cash, the fantasy books, the acrylic nails, the skincare, the rockstar bangs, the treatise on teacher satisfaction, and the ways that we should all stand up to protect the underdog.

You, my Claire Bear have the world by the tail and it's such a gift to be on the journey with you.  

With wild abandon, keep being the boundless you and we'll keep loving you.

Love you so, so much,

Mom

Ode to Kate on Your 18th Birthday

July 8, 2025

My Dearest Kate,

Happy, Happy 18th Birthday!

I have so much gratitude for all of the milestones you've experienced this past year and all of the joy we've had watching you grow.

From the time you were little, you were two parts deep interest and extraordinary creativity.

You were constantly on the look out for what you could repurpose, stitch, draw, build and create.  You were deeply interested in reading about complex characters in magical story books and then deciding how you could make them come to life through 3-D printing, sewing, costuming and dreaming.  There hasn't been a season of your life when you haven't been bringing beauty, awe, and imagination into the world--it's been a through line for as long as I can remember.

In your senior year at Duchesne, you had the wonderful opportunity to create costumes for Sleepy Hollow and Seusical the Musical.  And through the Kent Bellows program, you designed, sewed, modeled and won student designer at Omaha Fashion Week.

 

And when you're not designing and sewing, you're trying to see as many productions as possible.  Hades Town was so much fun to share with Claire.

Life this past year was full applying to colleges, taking campus visits, learning about the selection process, and ultimately deciding on a really beautiful fit for you--a BFA in Theater Tech and Design and double major in Spanish at Nebraska Wesleyan--which we are selfishly grateful for the proximity so that we can see all eight main stage performances a year-hopefully many of which you'll be costuming for.

And as we watched you celebrate your final prom, scholarships, Claire's Confirmation (thank you for being her sponsor), Claire's 8th grade graduation and your high school graduation, dad and I realize that time flies when you're loving living life with your children.

And the hardest part is hoping that we've told you as much as possible how much we love you and how we're always rooting for your passions and pursuits.

In a few short weeks (although I'm hoping to sink deeply into them for as long as I can), we'll be moving you into your dorm.  We've got the linens, fridge, shower caddy, toiletries, and of course espresso maker.  And the truth is most days, I can't imagine it. I will miss you so much.  But I know that you are ready for this new journey and this wild, brave, beautiful adventure.

So, as you embark upon this year, with a new campus home, a roommate, professors, friends and a job--please remember this--you are remarkable.  There has never been another human being like you. And while it can feel tempting to forget the strength of your roots,  the dance is to explore, to question, to wander and to wonder but always to know that you're never alone--and that likely what you thought was best, right, or most true for you is what you first felt in your gut before you second guessed it.

Trust in yourself.  You have a deep wisdom and a strong North Star.  You have inside of you all that you need to make a difference in the world and to share your gifts with those you encounter.  Don't be afraid to show them who you are and to be open to learning different perspectives, ideas, and to challenge and be challenged.  This is what college is for.  These are the breeding grounds for dialogue, communion, hope and connection.

And along the way, if you feel unsure, tired, or in need of a reminder, I'm here, available on your terms, always.  I can listen.  I can give you my hug, my renewed hope, my receptacle of "what the fuck's/are you kidding me's," and my encouragement to try again.  

So, when you wonder if it's going to be okay or you think you're a little too stretched or are really over the moon, wildly ecstatic--I'm there and along with Dad, Sam, and Claire, we are holding you up, trusting in the promise of you, Cat-Uh-Lone-A...go make something beautiful!

All my love, Mom

Ode to 50 Birthday Candles

May 6, 2025

Happy, Happy 50th Birthday to me!

I remember when I started this blog about a decade ago I was knee-deep in raising these amazing kiddos...Sam (10), Kate (8) and Claire (5).

I rarely thought about who I was outside of being a mother and I was more than happy to be there.  We went to the park.  I pushed them on swings.  We made sand castles.  We had library cards and carted bags of books to the playground where we climbed trees and nestled in with snacks and the breeze.  We rode bikes.  We created lots and lots of art--our house was filled with glue, glitter, paint, clay, pipe cleaners, construction paper and music.  We baked.  We ate lots of Mac and cheese.  We imagined.  We got angry.  We learned how to say I'm sorry.  We couldn't stop saying I love you.  And we became a family.

And as they grew and we decided that they would continue to go to Catholic school, I went back to work-first in their school and then cultivated my own private conflict engagement practice.  And it wasn't easy, we navigated the dance of balancing activities, work obligations, and the disorienting feeling of watching time fly by.

Now, Sam is finishing his sophomore year in college and preparing to study abroad in Copenhagen next year.  Kate will begin her college adventure in the BFA Theater Tech/Design program at Nebraska Wesleyan, and Claire will begin high school at Duchesne.  And, I am 50. 

The beautiful problem of pouring yourself so deeply into your family is that when you look up and they are heading out, you ask, what now?  Who am I?  What have I learned?  What/where are my dreams? And these are good questions to be intentional about even if they feel daunting.

As I reflect, I've learned who I am and who I'm not.  I am a person who wears her heart on her sleeve.  I am deeply interested in getting at the vulnerable with everyone I meet and have little interest or time in pretense or pretending.  This has served me well in my work and relationships, but has hurt me in times when I should have a better poker face.  I just literally can't do it.

I am a person who looks like she has a great life on paper, but is almost always second guessing herself.  Did I do the right thing?  Did I make the best choice?  How will it all work out?  Is it going to be okay?

And while I'm deeply grateful for my humility, in my next chapter, I want to work on my chutzpah.

I am a person who believes in the good.  I trust that even if I don't know all of the inner workings or the pathway to get there that my lived experience demonstrates I will land where I'm supposed to--and that all of the twisty, windy turns have purpose and value, and that it's my choice/opportunity to learn from them.

And, after half a century, I know that life is complex and it's not about achieving or arriving or completing a plan--it's about noticing, wondering, connecting, intentionally choosing to share hope and love.

So, now that these kids are launching--what's next for me?  Well, I hope to mediate for a long, long time.  I hope to continue teaching graduate students.  I hope to keep celebrating many anniversaries and taking beautiful trips with my husband.  I hope to travel to where my children are studying/living to see the world through their view and to keep sharing bags of books and good coffee.  But I also, really, really want to write.  I want to put my stories into the world, even if I second guess myself and don't quite know if or how they'll be received.  

Here's to trusting and trying and the continual belief that life is about taking the leap in the only skin that is yours, believing that there's good people to catch you, and that your voice/yearnings matter and are meant to be shared.

You've got this...

Love, Me