It's Time To Say Goodbye

It seems like life is simply a series of beginnings and endings.

Stops and starts.

Forks in the road that lead us one direction and then take us anew into a different time and space.

But man, goodbyes are hard...at least for me.

And even when I know that its the right thing to do because I've worn out my welcome or outgrown my current situation or ultimately, I need to pony up and put my big girl pants on....saying goodbye (even to a set of dysfunctional circumstances) can be debilitating.

Why?  Because we tend to remember only the good and assume that what lies on the other side of the proverbial white fence is worse.  And it's fair to say that the devil you know is better than the devil you don't.

But re-charting one's course is essential....mandatory...required, if you're being honest with your life and what you believe your purpose is on this earth, you must redirect where you need to go.

Preparing for the fall, I've been contemplative...thinking about what needs to go and what needs to stay.  What brings me joy and what depletes me.  When I'm alone and all pretenses are off, I know exactly what that thing is.  Now, I just need to be brave enough to say goodbye.

So that metaphorically and somewhat clicheishly, I can say hello to that which I know to be the real me.

What or who do you need to say goodbye to?

Communication with the Littles

There are many days that I feel like a broken record...

"Please make sure to wash your hands after you go potty."

"Please use kind words with your sister."

"Please bring your breakfast bowl up to the counter."

"Please make your bed."

"Please put your shoes back where they belong."

"Please get dressed."

"Please don't make me ask you to do _______ again."

And somewhere around 2pm, it deteriorates into...

"What did I say?"

"Why am I always repeating myself?"

"Get up and do it NOW!"
 
And somewhere around 4pm, it gets a little darker...

"Are you kidding me right now?  I just told you 2,542 times to put your shirt back on.  How hard is that to do?  Did the short bus just pull up?"

"You have lost the iPad for the rest of your life."

"I'm about to show you why you're sorry."

"Stay in your room until your father comes home and rescues you."

"You kids are all morons (iterated in my best Ray Liotta voice)."

Until finally, I hear from the playroom, "Wow...mama is grumpy today."

Naw, just another day in paradise.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Sometime ago, I prayed that God would make me available and open to supporting the needs of others in my life.

Since that time, I've become intimately aware of the hurt that exists in relationships around me.

Some friends are trying to decide whether they should stay in less than satisfying jobs, some are trying to repair wounds with family members and some are paralyzed by the future of their marriages.

One of the most frustrating responses to hear when you're waiting on an answer is, "I can't really tell you what to do...just trust your heart and know that you'll do what's right for you."  So, instead of offering up that in conversation, I'm trying simply to listen, to not judge, to be available to where my friend is in the moment and to love them.

Relationships are such tricky, finicky creatures.  We all find ourselves connected to each other for a myriad of reasons...sometimes by choice and many times involuntarily. So, how do we cope when it's not going so well or worse, it's going terribly wrong?

Do we stay because we've established a history and an investment in the relationship?  Do we leave because ultimately the price to pay is too toxic for ourselves and those around us?  Or do we make no decision and continue to live in the status quo hoping that it gets better?

It's sometimes impossible to know for the person making the decision.  We're all trying to project every hypothetical scenario and make the best choice with the information and experience we have.

At the end of the day, whatever the choice...my hope is that my friends know that they are not alone.  There is always enough love and that whichever path they stumble upon, there will be light at the end.

My Love Hate Relationship with Food

For as long as I can remember, I've always struggled with my relationship with food.

Yearning to be the skinny girl and never quite making the cut, I've used food to make me feel better, to celebrate my successes, to make the boy pay who didn't love me, to pass the time when I'm bored, and in general, for entitlement purposes.

And I'm not talking about diet coke and apples, I'm talking about chocolate malts and potato chips...why?  because they taste good and mindless eating is easy and addictive.

Now that I've been aware of my health and invested in my body, I've become painfully conscientious  of how food and emotions go hand in hand.

So, how do I break the cycle?

Swap out crack and cigarettes for Dairy Queen?

Drink meal replacements when I'm feeling needy?

Have sex when I want to binge on Ben & Jerry's?

Ahhhh...the limited and limitless options, most of which are unsustainable and unsatisfying.

Inspired by a dear friend's blog posting, I think the beginning of the journey lies in sitting still and listening to my fears, paying attention to my body and trusting that it's going to be okay...even without the container of chocolate covered espresso beans.

But it's not easy and it doesn't happen overnight, especially when it's been a life long habit.  I'm thankful that I'm not alone and that most women struggle with a similar nemesis.

I think there should be some sort of cafe/spa that we can retreat to when we're feeling stressed out or less than...that nurtures our soul and connects us to each other...instead of to the pint of ice cream.

A Time to Enjoy

I've never been good at savoring the moment.

I'm that person who assumes that if the "now" is perfect then the other shoe is about to drop.

I've always got one eye looking toward tomorrow wondering what I should be doing today to make the here after better.

Unfortunately, as we all know, all we have is the now.  And, most every religious text will tell you and every motivational poem will entrust that life is for the living.  It is meant to be joy filled not saturated with worry and anxiety.

So why do I do this to myself?  Why not indulge in the laughter of my kiddos being silly?  Why not take in the chocolate cake without feeling guilty or weak?  Why not let today be what today is going to be trusting that tomorrow will take care of itself?

I just think that some people are better at being joyful than others...but innately, I think we all yearn to be and have the capacity to do so, if we just let go of the need to control the outcome and surrender to what is.

Today, I'm going to see what unfolds and laugh when I feel happy, scream when I feel frustrated, dream when I'm feeling inspired and believe that this moment, right now is to be treasured.

I'll never get it back again...so, why waste it.  Here's to joy!

Ode to Kate on Her Fifth Birthday

Our family had only known grandsons before you.

And so, with bated breath, everyone was hoping that you would be a girl.

But no one knew that you would come out of the womb, the most beautiful, sweet, feisty, funky ball of sass and love that the world had ever seen.

You, my middle child, my first daughter.  My little one who read complete sentences by the age of three and who corrects my grammar and the injustices of the world around her.

You who walks around in mix matched tights and dresses with braids, cowboy hats, princess tutus and a mind that is always cranking out the most amazing and bold thoughts like, "Mama, why do you have a spiky vagina?"

You who looks like me, but is far more self assured, far more indulgent to the present moment, far more willing to love the red in the rose and the brown in the chocolate, and the warmth in the hug.

You who I would die for and nearly did when you hit your head on the diving board yesterday and then hours later, landed on your neck and back falling off of a trampoline.

You who is fearless, focused, capable, beautiful and aware....may you know today and always (especially when I am not here to tell you daily), that you are loved, you are wanted, and that the world is a brighter, more loving place because of you.

Happy Birthday, Kate.

Poor & Pedaling

If you need me, I'll be living in my car.

We had planned for months to take our soon-to-be five year old daughter, Kate to the Trek store to buy a bike for her upcoming birthday.

We wanted it to be special.  A real "big girl" bike complete with a basket and streamers, like the one I had growing up.  Pink, purple, silver, glitter, ribbons, the more decked out, the better.

But most importantly, we wanted it to be made well because everything of Kate's gets passed down to Claire, our 18-month old daughter.

So, we expected to drop some change.

We brought the whole family including our seven year old son, Sam who was also in need of a bigger frame, but we thought we could hold off on his.  However, the cool thing about Trek bikes is that much like Honda's, they maintain their resale value and our local retailer offers a pretty sweet trade in price when you bring back your old one.

And of course, there was a perfect used one screaming his name.

Once we committed to the two 20 inch frames, we knew we needed a bike rack.  Our small SUV could no longer carry them in the back and of course, we have a rear spare tire which makes fitting a bike rack without a hitch really challenging and costly.

An hour later we walked out with two happy children and a promise to eat macaroni and cheese for weeks to come.  I suppose its the price you pay for the fun of childhood or its not.  We didn't have to buy the bikes or the rack...but I definitely see hours, days, weeks of fun in all of our futures.  Because on hot summer days, if you can't be by the pool, riding your bike is the next best way to zap your energy and land you in bed for lots of afternoon nap time. Right?

Until then, we'll sell the house to pay for the bikes and be happy living in the car having fun with our new cycles.