Choices From My Eyes and Yours

I pride myself on taking the high road.

Particularly, when it comes to my kids.

I bite my tongue and pick my battles more often than not.

But this morning was a whirlwind of converging shit storm factors that led my 4-year old and I into a raging battle of the wills.

To be fair, I will preface my commentary by admitting that I had no business getting up at 4:30am to take a boot camp class.  It's a fucking miracle that I didn't kill myself or the girl standing next to me.  Every time I looked at myself in the mirror, my mouth was as wide as the room yawning.

So when she came bounding out of her bedroom wrapped up in a kitty blanket demanding chocolate milk, I will admit that my patience was at an all-time low.

Kindly stirring the syrup into the milk, I asked her to get dressed for school.  Returning in a summer get-up (which is probably again my fault for not cleaning out her closet), I told her to look outside at the rain and reminded that she needed something warmer to which she shrieked, "I'll wear what I want.  It's my school."

Fine, 'freeze' was my first thought.

And somewhere between her bitchy response and my internal one, we found ourselves screaming at the top of our lungs about striped tights, yogurt or bananas for breakfast, brushing teeth with the paste that she says tastes horrible and getting out the door without 50 billion stuffed animal friends.

I drop kicked her ass out of the car and cheered the whole way home.

Until pick up, when she shouted to her friends, "Goodbye Suckers!  My mom's here."  Standing mortified, she barreled out of the joint and ran directly into the parking lot, nearly getting hit by a mini-van, while all of the mothers dutifully holding their children's hands nearly had a heart attack.

Screaming again in the car, I howled, "Do you want to be squished like a squirrel?  You can't run away from mama...you're turning 5 in a few short weeks.  You know better."

To which she replied, "Can we swing through Starbucks and grab a vanilla bean frapuccino before ballet?"

With a primal squeal, I glared, "Are you kidding me?  Absolutely not.  I'm not rewarding poor behavior." 

Two minutes later, she started to cry and said, "Why do you always get everything YOU want?"

And that is where my story officially begins, the moment that I lost it.

I'll paraphrase because I'm fairly certain that I blacked out and was replaced by my inner wounded child or a demonic presence....

"Everything I want?!!!  I absolutely do NOT get everything I want.  Not even remotely.  Do you know what it means to be an adult?  To have to make choices that have real consequences and to sacrifice for the greater good of the family...to have to decide how to be a good steward of your time and money and energy all the while second guessing whether you could have done it differently or better while being mindful that you're not getting any younger and that the clock is ticking."

Approaching a stop light, I looked in the rear view mirror at a little girl with tears in her eyes.

Epic motherhood fail.

Pulling into the driveway, I turned around and said, "I know you think it's easy to be a mommy and that I tell you things to do all of the time and get to have dessert when I want and tell you that you can't.  But the truth is that sometimes, well a lot of times, it's just as hard to be your mommy as you feel like it is to be the kid.  Maybe we should say that we're sorry to each other and try again?"

She smiled, gave me a hug, hopped inside, changed into her ballet leotard and from her room screamed, "Can we still go to Starbucks?"

Ah, the joys.

Summer Adventures Begin

I woke up this morning and realized...it's summer.


Today marked the last day of school for my kiddos.  Fourth grade is officially in the books for Sam.  Kate completed second.  And our Claire Bear had a fantastic first year of preschool.


As they headed out the door for a quick half day, I snapped these shots...

 And then at 11:30am prompt, Claire and I rolled up to school in the stroller and a million children flew out of the building screaming for joy.  Kinda like this...

While we were walking reflecting on their day, what they'll miss about school and what they're most excited for about summer...this started to happen...

They gathered sticks and started going on a hunt.  Each of them adopted a quest name.  Sam turned into Aquarius.  Kate morphed into Swift.  And Claire was Twig.  I hung back listening while they talked of mystical beasts in the lush growth of the forest and hidden doors that take you to magical lands and children who get their fingers chopped off if they're poor listeners.

And it hit me...this is what happens in the summertime.  You put on your swim suit in June and don't take it off until August.  You consume 542 cherry popsicles.  You build forts in the backyard and ride your bike everyday.  You climb trees and read and dream...about magical places in far off lands where the unexpected is expected.  And you walk and you walk and you walk and you're a kid and it's the best.

I know that summer can be taxing for parents...figuring out how to not kill your kids when they fight with each other, trying to establish some semblance of a routine, but for me, at least for now, I'm embracing F. Scott Fitzgerald...

"And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.”

It's time for a new life of fun, freedom and rejuvenation...it's summer.

Star of the Week

This little munchkin is Star of the Week at her preschool. 

If you don't know what that is...well, every child in the class gets one week during the school year to share who they are and what they are most known for...they bring a poster from home that highlights their favorite food, song, book, color....who their siblings and pets are...and, what they want to be when they grow up.

To which, my little 3-year old Claire Bear announced, "I want to be a mommy when I grow up."

Wow, I retorted.  That's fantastic!  Maybe, you'll be a mommy and a research scientist or an author?

"Nope...just a mommy.  I want to make macaroni and cheese and brownies and cookies and pumpkin muffins and chocolate shakes and go to the park and sing Old McDonald Had a Farm and paint nails and play My Little Ponies and go to the library."

How many kiddos do you want to have in your family?

"Um, like 22, I think.  And a dog.  I really, really want to have a pet."

And will you yell at your children?

"Yes, and give them a hug when they cry and tell them to make a positive choice."

I think you can be a mommy after you go to grade school and then high school and then undergraduate and graduate school and study abroad in at least two countries, deal?

"That's a long time away."

Yes, yes, it is.  But I think you'll find that it will be worth the wait.

"Well, maybe I don't want to do that.  I think I want to work at Starbucks."

Now, you're talking.  That's acceptable, as long as you give me limitless supplies of free coffee.

"Deal."

Happy First Day of School

We woke up this morning and all of the sudden, our family had a 4th grader, a 2nd grader a soon-to-be preschooler. 

Here you are...

As we ate our bowls of cereal, brushed our teeth, braided your hair, put the finishing touches on your lunches and gave you a blessing...I thought, please, please let this be a sacred, beautiful year for all three of you.

Let this be a time where you break through with something significant...where you learn another side of compassion, where your heart grows larger and your brain expands beyond all measure and your faith deepens and you feel both your roots and wings.

You're all getting bigger and well, I think I'm staying the same.  So, while I smooth back your hair, smell your breath, check for straggling toothpaste marks and do a double check of your backpacks...I thank you for letting me fuss over you and for being your over protective, hopeful mama for yet another school year.

Fourth grade, Second grade and Preschool are powerful times.  Here's to all of the smiles, the tears, the laughs, the let-downs, the dreams, the disappointments and the vast amount of effort and pain that will go into making this year exactly what it's meant to be.

I'm so glad that I get to share in it with all of you.  Happy First Day of School!