What It Means to be Happy

Do you know those people who greet the world positively all the time?

And really no matter the circumstance, they find themselves defaulting into a natural state of joy believing that everything, in the end, will all be okay.

I envy the shit out of those folks.

My mom and husband epitomize this genetic mystery to a tee.

The house could be burning down around my mother and she would trust that there was a way out and a reason why it was happening as the fire fighters were pulling her out of the wreckage.  And then, she would bake them goodies and send them Christmas cards for the rest of her life.

My husband does not worry.  He really doesn't know how to do it.  He's extraordinarily laid back and spends more time in the moment than in the past or the future.  And seems to trust that given enough time, it will all work out, because it always has.

And I have to tell you, they're both seemingly very happy people.

I would not categorize myself as a laid back, collected anything.

I am an impulsive, compulsive, neurotic, OCD person who is constantly straddling the past, present and future...and subsequently, I can find myself exhausted, and not particularly joy-filled.

Oh don't get me wrong.  It's not all bad.  My neurotic nature allows me to accomplish a lot.  I've been able to thrive academically, professionally, and physically at the goals I put forward...but that's because once I decide that it will happen, it will.

But most happy people that I know aren't consumed by their achievements or their fancy schmancy resumes.  They are engaged fully and holistically in their experiences and the people they share them with.

And that's the place that I want to get to.

The problem is you can't strive to be happy.  It's not a 5-year strategic plan.  It just is.  You either are or you're not.  And I suppose the key is to try to figure it out without alienating the people around who are living their happy lives.

I recently asked my mom when she stopped caring about what the world thought of her and if she thought my 40's would be a break out time for owning me in all of the good, non-clingy ways. 

She told me that the times she's been the most joy filled in her life are when she's allowed herself to truly be herself and that she had more time to start doing that in her 40's, but that each decade has just gotten sweeter.

And ultimately, that the other key to happiness is to remember that it's always there for the taking...most of the time, unknowingly, we strong arm it with our own complicated stuff instead of simply embracing it even if it doesn't resemble what we thought it would.

Those moms, they always seem to know.

Cultivating Happiness

It was the middle of the morning and I was doing the dishes. 

You know, scrubbing the cereal bowls, reheating my cup of coffee for the third time and trying to catch up on my "Moth Radio Hour" listening while simultaneously paying attention to my three-year old who is the perfect mess of a ballerina endlessly twirling in and out of the kitchen screaming, "MAMA...mama, I want chocolate milk...A, B, F, Q, R, S...Twinkle, Twinkle, Glory to God in the Highest, Itsy Bitsy..."

My life is loud and its forever full of multi-tasking.  I'm dead in the water if I try to do one thing at a time.  Raising three little ones and managing the daily in's and out's of it all is loud, busy, and incessantly messy.

And then she called.  My friend.  I love her.  I sort of feel like we were separated at birth.  She's smart.  Beautiful.  Sacrificing for her kiddos at every turn.  And always making time for my stuff.

And about once a week, she does her dishes or cleans her bathroom or vomit off the rug and I do mine and we fancy ourselves mini philosophers taking on topics that enter our consciousness and won't let us fully digest them until we've garnered the input of the other.

On the docket the other day was happiness.  Do you luck into it?  Can it be chased? Pursued?  Or, does it organically emerge?  If you force it, is it ultimately, illusory and bound to fall through your finger tips?  And what if you're unhappy, is it okay to reject your current life station and pursue another, even if there's residual collateral damage along the way?  What is happiness worth?  Is it a worthy pursuit or is it just an ethereal notion?

Post our conversation, I stumbled upon a quote from one of my favorite poets, Pablo Neruda. 

"Someday, somewhere - anywhere, unfailingly, you'll find yourself, and that, and only that, can be the happiest or bitterest hour of your life.”


And I think his words sum it up.  We're all searching for purpose, meaning, a sense of belonging, an authentic knowing of ourselves.  We want to know that we're where we're supposed to be.  And when something feels amiss, whether it's in our interpersonal relationships, our workplace, our career, our health, our spirituality, or in general, the quiet moments when we're real, brutally honest with ourselves because no one's looking over our shoulder...we realize that it does matter.


Happiness doesn't emanate from the collection of things.  It emerges when we're being who we're supposed to be.  And the journey affords us multiple opportunities to decide, is this right?  And when we gut check, we find instantly whether we're joy filled or just getting by.


So, as I shared with my friend, being a full-time stay at home mother is fraught with exhaustion, frustration and isolation.  It's not easy to do the same routine day after day after day knowing that your children are not going to provide you with a performance appraisal, a raise, an annual bonus and a promotion.  Nope, but what you will get is time.  Time that you can't get back.  Time that involves story telling, singing, baths, parks, bikes, painting nails, and lots of hugs. And, I'm also hoping (most importantly) that you get staying power.  The memory and the belief that my children know that I was there and I always will be there for everything from the banal to the extraordinary.


And that for me is happiness.  And when I gut check, I know that there is no paying job that would be worth the loss of any of that for me.  Which is why Neruda's quote is perfect...one day, while doing dishes watching the craziness emerge around me, I realized, I'm happy....just not in the ways that I thought I would be...but joy filled I am.  The real cultivation of happiness.

Cultivating Happiness

The past few nights, I haven't been sleeping.

You know what it's like...

When you're in and out of that haze of consciousness knowing that you should be sawing logs but thinking about all that is wrong with the world and wishing you could wave a magic wand...

to make it all better.

Through phone conversations with family members and friends and my own private longings, I've been hearing the phrase, "I just want to be happy," over and over again.

Admittedly, it's easy to look over the fence (physical or virtual) and assume that a certain street address, occupation, or life station would make one happy.  As if it's a destination.

So in one of these hazes, I grabbed my nightstand book, "Eat, Pray, Love" and was struck by one of Elizabeth Gilbert's quotes.

"When you sense a faint potentiality for happiness, after such dark times, you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt-this is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty to find something beautiful within life no matter how slight.”

And so with the various life circumstances that my friends' and family find themselves in and the ones that I lament from time to time, I am mindful that happiness, like love is something to be cultivated.

More than a noun, happiness is a verb...an active state.  A way that we live.  A mantra for being.  Not something that we're entitled to unless we put the work in...and in some cases, meant to be redefined from rainbows and butterflies to peace and joy.

Happiness looks different for every person.  And in the end, only you know when your heart is aglow.  But what will it take to get you there?  Are you willing to participate in the process?

Ultimately, we have responsibility for this life of ours.  Finding something beautiful, joyful, and peaceful to love is the calling of our heart which over time manifests into happiness. 

Soul Mates?

One of my favorite movies is "Serendipity."

You know, the 2001 flick that stars John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale.  Okay, if you don't, below is a clip.

The movie centers around the concept that all of life is fated...that destiny is real and that certain people, against all odds, were meant to be together.

So, the other day, I was talking to a girlfriend about soul mates...whether we believed in them...whether people randomly connected and chose to make lives with one another....whether you could essentially be happy with a myriad of partners over the course of your life...or whether there was just one person that you were truly intended to (throughout all of eternity) share your soul with.

Heady, silly, probably pointless banter, I know...but an interesting philosophical conundrum.  Especially when you factor in all of the crazy circumstances like becoming a widow, getting a divorce, or stumbling upon another.

The jury is still out for me.  I guess I just love the desperation and sweetness of John Cusack and of course, the beauty and namesake of Kate Beckinsale.