Apricot Tulips

One of my favorite and least favorite chores is to grocery shop.

I adore the solitude when I'm alone and just try to slug through the list when I'm accompanied by my brood of crazy littles.

The other day, I lucked out and indulged in perusing by my lonesome.  To be clear, my desire is not to mosey up and down the packaged food lanes...no, I prefer to linger by the fruits and vegetables...admiring the pink Honey Crisp apples, the red organic raspberries, the bluest of blue blueberries and the multi-hued grape tomatoes.  Just beautiful.

Next to the produce live the flowers.  My long-time favorite are the tulips.  I try to adorn them in my kitchen daily in the springtime.  So, to see a patch in the winter brought a huge smile to my face...pinks, purples and a lone apricot colored medley made me want to grab them all.

As I looked up, I noticed a stunning older woman gathering her own floral arrangement.  Taller than me, wiry silver hair and thick black frames, bulky cream woolen scarf, I saw her and blurted out..."Aren't they beautiful?"

She looked at me with a blank stare.  Feeling a little awkward and wishing that for once, I just hadn't tried to make conversation with everyone I meet, I said..."The flowers...it's so nice to see a splash of color when it's cold outside."

And to that, almost as though she jolted out of her own thoughts, she replied, "Oh yes, dear.  There isn't a trip I make without picking up something to have on my window sill...especially during the winter."

Then, because I haven't met a person who isn't my best friend, I continued, "I love that.  Maybe someday my budget will allow for weekly, fresh cut flowers in my home.  Until then, I'll just have to admire while I'm buying apples, bread and milk.  Do you remember those days?"

"Quite well, " she said, "I miss them.  I also lament buying my own flowers.  My husband brought them home regularly.  He's been gone for over a year, so I'm keeping up the tradition on his behalf."

"I'm so sorry," I whispered.

"Oh don't be.  Whenever I see sweet young people like you, I just say, enjoy it.  All of it.  The best years are often the hardest when you look back...which is why flowers are helpful.  I guess they remind us to stay in the moment, knowing that in time, they'll die in the vase and be replaced by something new," she said grabbing a bunch.

As she left, I took the apricot tulips and placed them in my cart.  Grabbing the cereal, milk and bread, I tried to convince myself to put them back, but I couldn't.

Life's too short.  Sometimes, you need a patch of impermanent beauty in the dead of winter to remind you that life in all of its' colorful and dark moments needs to be celebrated.

Mama to Mama Encouragement

There aren't very many people grocery shopping at 9am when you drop your kiddo off at preschool.

There's no line at the in-store Starbucks.

No one's rushed at the deli counter, so they actually smile at you when you take your time to assess which meats and cheeses are on sale.

It's quiet, so you can mindfully check items off your list and methodically make your way aisle by aisle to gather the specific things you want, instead of scooping up shit and throwing it into the cart just to get the hell out of there.

Instead of feeling exhausted, you feel accomplished.

You carefully place your items onto the conveyor belt grouped by how you want them packaged, not stressed by which child is going to whine the loudest for Starburst or worse yet, those God awful, suckers that look like pacifiers...they disgust me.

No, shopping sans kids is a beautiful thing.

So, when I passed a mom in the produce section with a young toddler and a brand new baby who was crying that horrible, gut wrenching, won't stop sob that indicates that they don't want to be in the car seat or are terribly hungry or both...I gotta admit, the first thought that popped into my head was...

Sucks to be you.

I'm so done with and over the baby days.  And even though my purse still resembles a glorified diaper bag, it does not have a single tube of ointment or bottle or wet wipe to speak of.  Praise Jesus.

Gathering my apples and bananas, I high tailed it into the meat section joyfully tuning out the cries of the infant.  Sipping my Americano, I continued to gather my items and think about what I wanted my day to look like feigning some semblance of control.

And then, I got to the check out line.

She had beat me there.  And God help her, she had her hands full in every way.  Her toddler was screaming for candy.  Her baby was still crying, except that now, she was trying to hold him with one hand while putting the food items on the conveyor belt trying not to drop anything.

I have been there so many times.  I know exactly how it feels.  It is a gut wrenching, sucky, sucky spot to be in and there's nothing you can do except endure it until you can get out to the car to nurse the baby and give the kid his bag of M&M's.

So, I just decided to speak up.

Sucks, doesn't it.

She flipped around with a look of horror.  "I'm sorry."

Oh God...don't be.  You're in the thick of it.  The trenches.  I have three of my own.

"Really? I've only taken them both to the store alone once.  I knew I shouldn't have tried it this morning."

You're doing an amazing job.  I nearly strangled my oldest when he threw a tantrum while I was trying to rock the baby and get the food out of the store.  And really, the only way it gets better is to keep taking them.  Keep practicing.  But really, you look amazing.

"Thank you.  I needed that."

I felt so happy unloading my groceries.  This, I thought.  This is what we need to do.  We've got to build each other up as mamas.  The whole deal sucks at any given time.  It's enough to drive you to fill in any addiction you want.  So, more than ever, we must encourage instead of judge.  It's only been a few years for me since I was in that spot.  It's no fun.  But it's doable and so worth it.

All that said, I was still so, so happy to get in the car and turn on NPR instead of Vacation Bible School songs.  Oh sweet no children bliss.

I Love You Over and Over Again

It had already been a long morning.

We woke up to mowing the lawn, changing out the laundry, preparing for mass and in general, getting life ready for the first day of school tomorrow.

Following lunch, I hauled my 3-year old daughter, Claire to do the week's grocery shopping.  We were listening to Vacation Bible School songs on the trek belting out all of the words.

And I was tired.

Viscerally tired. 

I just finished week three of training.  The weather is five bajillion degrees of Hell outside.  There's always something to do for the house and/or the kids.  And well, sometimes, I'm simply going through the motions.

Grabbing the fun kid-cart, I bought an iced coffee for me and a chocolate milk for her and we made our way down the list.

Until we got to the bread aisle which is bizarrely across the way from the pharmacy and she spotted "Doc McStuffins" band-aids that she had to have to which I replied, "Not today."

And for what seemed like an eternity, she whined, "PLLLLLEEEEEAAAAASSSSSEEE....(repeat ad nauseam).

Until by the frozen fruit, I broke down in my own whiny, please kill me now, I can not take this anymore voice, "Claire...I am NOT buying band-aids that we don't need.  You need a new tooth brush,,,maybe you'll find something you like there.  If not, it's not my concern today.  Mommy is exhausted.  I have next to no patience and I'm just trying to stay on task.  So, PPPPPLLLLLEEEEAAAASSSSEEEE stop asking me for something that I cannot give to you."

To which she said, "I love you," over and over again and again.  She's really good at this.  She has a smile that can melt your heart and eyes that bear into your soul and then when she uses her sweet voice to tell you that she loves you, you're done for.

But in that moment I realized, I've been tired for a long time.  I'm probably going to be tired for a lot longer.  Raising kids makes your bones ache and your head pound and your heart fill with more love that you could possibly imagine.

Here's to telling our people how much we love them...over and over again...ad nauseam.