48 Birthday Candles

May 6, 2023

Hello, 48!

48 birthday candles...48 spins around the sun...48 gifts of time...48 opportunities to keep getting to know me and the surprising beauty of aging.

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I'm not going to lie, last year felt hard.  

It seemed like every time I turned around, I was losing hair, gaining weight, searching for a supplement that would minimize belly fat, getting lab work done to see if my hormones were out of whack, waking up at 3:00 a.m. full of fear, living in a land of perimenopausal uncertainty working to support my oldest as he engaged the college application/selection process and I randomly cried thinking about all of the lasts with him and our family dynamic as I know it.

Visualize a middle-aged woman in hot yoga, drenched in sweat, trying to balance her lady parts in the air, while tears flowed during the much needed shivasana.  This was me on the regular.

Just like no one could convince me that my whole world would change when I became a mother, no one can seemingly prepare me for how hard it will be to say goodbye to this amazing kid-- which is the exact place we're supposed to be--he heading to have a new adventure away from home, me free to be more present in my marriage, raising our remaining two, exploring opportunities in my career, and feeling what it feels like as my body changes and heart softens toward the wisdom of aging.

And as my tummy gets soft, my arms look like lunch ladies, my hair feels thinner and thinner, I feel deeply grateful.

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There's something that happens at this sweet spot in life.  You start to decide what you really give a fuck about it, and for me, it's not much.  I have a singular focus on my husband, my children, my health and doing a good job for the clients I serve.  Otherwise, my house is a disaster and the truth is when the kids all leave, I doubt it will look much different.  I don't want to spend my time on that shit.  I like reading the New York Times and drinking coffee.  I like going on walks with my friends, and binge watching smart shows that keep me glued to the tube.  I get lost in podcasts and sometimes that means I don't go places that I RSVP'd to because I just want to stay home, and I really don't feel badly about it.

I don't care as much if or when people don't approve of something I do.  In fact, I rarely know, because I don't ask.  I just don't care.

I spend any free time I have talking with my husband about how our kids are doing and what we can do to support their dreams.  And, then, I start remembering that I have dreams, and we talk about what it will take to manifest them...like writing in Italy, growing my mediation practice, traveling the world to visit our kids when they study abroad, running a half marathon together, and trading fear for love.

So, as I embark upon this new year, I say hello to me--the me who was there before the husband and the kids and the perimenopause and the artificial expectations.  The me who feels free to explore, to try on, to fail, to get lost in wonderments, to say yes to the things that feel good, and no to the preconceived notions of others.  

May 48 be a wild ride of presence, joy, connection, sorrow for one chapter closing, hope for another beginning, and deep gratitude for all of the people who have surrounded me with unconditional love as I fall down, get back up, and keep remembering that aging is a privilege, a gift, a chance to keep growing, trusting that this life, my life is a good one.