Namaste

"The divine spark in my soul honors the divine in yours."

Seventeen days into the new year and I can count how many times I've laced up my running shoes to pound the pavement or go round and round on the treadmill.

Sure, sure.

I could blame it on the stomach flu, the arctic fucking tundra that has given us two snow days, the pitch black mornings, the new course I'm teaching, the busyness of my three children...but really, honestly, truly...

I haven't wanted to.

I keep trading my sneakers for my Mala beads and mat and find myself in the yoga studio instead.

I don't know why. 

Frequently, when I arrive, I'm agitated.  I wonder if spending 60 or 90-minutes will be worth it.  I stress when I slip my socks off to share my calloused feet, pull my roomy shirt overhead to expose my winter white grandma arms and secure my Downward-Facing Dog--only to remember that oh yeah--I can't make my heels touch the ground or properly Chaturanga.

But I keep going.  And often, while I'm there, it's not fast enough or hard enough.  Those are reminders that my body does miss the adrenaline, heart pumping, sweat drenching feeling that running gives.  Sometimes, the instructor tells me too much about my body and I can't understand why my sit bones can't just sit wherever they land.  And then, there's often the gorgeous girl who came out of the womb as a California Malibu yogi and I am transported back to my reflection in the mirror...a middle aged, midwestern mama who is soft and often, insecure and yet, here I am.

I feel the strongest when I sweep my arms up and over my head, into prayer position, eyes closed, breath in and out, mind cleared of clutter {for the briefest of brief} moments and I see {not in the mirror} the woman I know myself to be.

Bright, brilliant, beautiful.

And in that moment, it dawns on me that my mantra for this space {certainly, we're far past New Year's resolutions}, but maybe just for the space of today and at least tomorrow, is:

Open
Alive
Free

Because that's what I want...the chance for my heart to be open to the possibility of what can and will be...to feel more alive and vibrant...so that I can be free of all the tricks my mind plays like who I'm not or where I lack.

I'm still resolute to getting my running shoes back where they belong and my playlist revamped, but I'm also committed to lots of Namaste in the new year.  It just feels really good.