Mediating Me

In my current graduate class, I'm teaching students how to mediate.

The mediation table is hands-down one of my favorite places.

I don't know why, but I've always felt really comfortable sitting with other people while they're swimming in conflict...in fact the more adversity, the sweeter the opportunity to find common ground.

There's nothing more satisfying than bearing witness to two people finally hearing each other-- honoring their contribution to past hurt while rallying together for future hope.   

But when it comes to navigating difference in my personal relationships, I'm a mess.  Fairly conflict avoidant, it's gut-wrenchingly painful when I feel like I've wounded another.  Instead of going toe-to-toe, I'd rather tell you that I'm sorry and buy you a coffee.  Doesn't an Americano solve all the world's problems?

We know this isn't how the real world works.  When feelings are hurt, it takes time and a willingness to sit in the unknown, which I fucking hate. 

I yearn to be my husband who just says, "It is what it is.  No sense being mired in speculation.  It will unfold as it should.  Go about your life."  Ugh.  No, the situation requires analysis.  What did I do?  What did he do?  What could we have done differently?  How can I approach a resolution?

All of which brings me back to my mediation training.  In the role of the mediator, we are called to be third party neutrals--impartial, unbiased facilitators--who guide a process and engage the issues, interests and feelings of the other to potentially move toward a third side and find common ground. 

Whether you're an educator, a business owner, a parent, a plumber or a fill in the blank...the reality is that none of us are inherently neutral.  We are all vulnerable, flawed, frail human beings just trying not to scream terrible obscenities (while chauffeuring our children) when some stupid-ass can't properly merge onto the interstate.

So, as I sit and stare at Friday and the end of the second week of school, I'm mindful that much like brushing your teeth or taking a shower, we should all have an internal mediator.  You know, like a little guy/girl on your shoulder that says, "Calm down, crazy lady.  Breathe.  It's not as bad as it seems.  You don't have to have all of the answers.  Yelling really doesn't solve much.  How can you let go of the unknown, the judgement, the mean commentary in your head and just be in the here and now?  What might that look like?"

I rather like a mediator angel on my shoulder, helping me to mitigate the fucked up voices of doubt, uncertainty, fear and vulnerability in my head.

I'm going to figure out how to pay myself to mediate me...unless you have another unbiased party ready and willing?