I Don't Need You

We had an amazing, beautiful, insane, off-the-charts busy, blessed, colorful, exhausting weekend.

My parents came into town from Dallas.  We celebrated my nephew's third birthday.  We hunted for eggs three times.  The Easter Bunny came to our home.  We made it through mass.  We hosted meals and brought meals to other family member's homes.  And by 4:30pm this afternoon, my four-year old daughter, Kate had reached her breaking point.

Her older brother and cousin were playing soccer in the backyard while the adults were cheering them on and the baby was happily swinging.  Throughout this time, Kate was insistent on playing "Red Light, Green Light," but no one else seemed to be interested.  After her final pout, a melodramatic walk-off, and the very loud words, "I DON'T NEED YOU!" screamed out of her mouth to her family and to her mother, a soccer ball landed squarely in the center of her forehead and she lost it.

After everyone left, we sat over Easter candy and talked.  I asked if she really meant what she said.  And through chocolate and jelly beans she muttered, "no...I love you."

But isn't this how we feel...when we're done dealing...exhausted...beyond our limitations.  We don't want to be around anyone and we don't want anyone to get in our way.

That's where I'm at now.  The kids are in bed.  The dishes are done.  The party platters are put away.  I'm icing my legs and I just don't want to be needed by a thing in this world.  And yet, I want to be needed and loved by my family more than I can imagine.  Love...it's what makes the world go around, even when you've been loved to the gills on an Easter holiday.

The Beauty of a Kiss

"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."

I ran across this quote the other day and fell instantly in love...one, because it was said by Ingrid Bergman and two, because it so aptly describes why we kiss...because when there are no words, the lips are really the best way to connect.

 

Sometime ago, my 6-year old son Sam and I were on the couch watching a show.  A jewelry commercial came on and two actors kissed.  He proposed, she said yes, and they smooched it up.  Sam was grossed out.  He turned away and couldn't wait for Transformers to come back on the screen.  And I thought, little boys are so turned off by romantic gestures...when does the shift take place and the kiss become anticipated?

Because really, the kiss is the best part of all the ensuing craziness.

So, I tried to explain to Sam that someday, he would fall in love and want to show a special someone that he loved them...and that when words won't do, the best way to connect is to give a kiss.  He couldn't imagine it.  I'm sort of glad.

Until then, he'll look away and I'll fall in love with Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman, the look before and then ah, the anticipated kiss.

Crazy Stupid Love

Last night, my husband and I watched, "Crazy Stupid Love."

You know, the flick with Steve Carell, Ryan Gosling, and Julianne Moore that despite the sort of predictable premise was hysterical and somewhat thought provoking.

It got me thinking both about my own dating experiences in my 20's and my kids.

I was pretty lucky.  I dated men who were good guys and for the most part, really good to me.  Doesn't mean that my heart didn't break, that I wasn't disillusioned from time to time, or that I didn't jump into the deep end a little too quickly.

That said, while I was sad to be one of the last of my girlfriends to be "the bride" and the "mommy,"  I'm grateful that I went to undergraduate school far enough away that I couldn't come home on the weekends.  That I studied abroad in a place where I could barely speak the language.  That I lived by myself in an apartment that was my responsibility.  That I waited tables at night while working a $20,000 secretarial job during the day realizing that majoring in Philosophy only gets you so far.  And that I went to graduate school and places around the country by myself before getting married and having kids in my 30's.

So, in a weird way.  I want the same for my kids.  Not necessarily for their hearts to break.  Although, I'm sure that's inevitable.  I want them to have lots of time and room for themselves....to test the waters, love big, experiment, go crazy, explore, fall down, get back up...before mortgage payments and middle-of-the-night feedings.

Who knows who they will fall in love with...I just hope that it's themselves first before they give over fully to another.

All my love to Heaven

It was like something you might read about or see in a movie.

My mom called and said, "It's time, you need to come now."  And, I did...smelling like an onion and garlic from the chicken noodle soup I'd been preparing.

When I arrived, my cousin, sisters, brother, aunt, uncle, and mom were gathered around my grandfather.  I grabbed a hold of my mom and sobbed and sobbed until my chest hurt, my eyes stung, and my knees were knocking.  (I don't think I can do this.  I'm not ready for him to die.)

And slowly after a few hours passed, a chaplain came and led a prayer.  We all held hands and quietly cried as we watched him pray over our grandfather...and then, as he left, my grandfather took in a few short breaths and peacefully went to Heaven.  It was beautiful.

As I lay here in my warm bed at home, I can't stop thinking about what "Jack" the chaplain said. 

In life, we should find a way to say four things to the people who are most important to us:

• I love you.
• I am thankful for you.
• Please forgive me.
• I forgive you.

Rest in peace, grandpa and know that you are loved.

There's Enough Love

The other day during Kate's music class, I was galloping around the room with Claire (our 9-month old baby) on the front carrier, singing and dancing with my four-year old. 

Out of the blue, another mama said to me, "Man, I don't know how you do it."  She has a three-year old little girl and a 16-month old little boy.  And then she said, "I knew I was done at two.  I just can't stand how hard it is to balance the needs of both of them.  I always feel like somebody's getting the shaft and in a way, you gotta admit, they kind of are."

A bit stunned and well, probably looking more than a little frazzled (Claire threw up on me earlier and I canceled my hair color appointment at the beginning of the week), I said, "hmm...never thought of it that way."

But the truth is, I had.  When we moved from a married couple to a family of three, I thought, "When will there be time for us?"  That was a fleeting thought since we got pregnant on our honeymoon...but one nonetheless.  Then, when we got pregnant again, I thought, "How will I ever love another baby as much as I love Sam?"  And yes, the thought entered my mind on the third pregnancy confirmation...but complicated by the idea that I might be cheating the first two out of quality time, attention, financial opportunity, and also wondering if I would have time/energy again for a date night or a pedicure?

Not long ago, a friend said to me, "Live your life from a place of abundance and not a lack thereof...there is always enough love."  She elaborated by saying that our hearts, our world, our friends, our family all have enough love for "come what may."  That means if you're worried about whether your friend will still remember you if a new one enters the friendship circle, don't...there's always enough love.  If from time to time, you wonder about a former love and feel guilty, don't...there's always enough love.  If you get a new co-worker/team member and worry that his talents may replace yours, don't...there's always enough love.  If your parent gets remarried, it's okay...there's always enough love.  And, if like my best friend from college, your husband is one of 17 siblings...well, there may be a limit.  (insert big smile)

Remember, that we haven't even tapped a fraction of the love that this world has to offer.  Trust in that.