The Next Right Thing

Do you ever feel like you're perpetually "off the wagon?"

I'm not sure what the triggers, temptations, or burdens are for you...

but for me, they look a lot like procrastination, not taking the high road instead, throwing a temper tantrum when I should just bite my tongue, eating too much chocolate or potato chips, indulging in too much Starbucks, coveting my neighbor's stuff or the girl who is off the charts fit at the gym, and not following through with my commitment to run regularly and to take care of myself.

For some friends, it's having too much wine in the evening too often, taking a trip that they really can't afford, fantasizing a little too regularly about a different life, or spending too much time with a screen in front of their face instead of the ones they love.

Whatever it is...we all know what plagues us and that we wish we had more will power and stamina to change.

So, the other night when I was throwing a pity party for myself about my weight, my inability to keep my running on track and my frustration with being on this ridiculous rat wheel for too long, my husband just turned to me and said, "It's easy. Just do the next right thing."

So, put the M&M's down.  Pick up the glass of water.  Lay out your running clothes.  Set your alarm.  Forgive yourself for the past.  Choose differently.  At any point, you always get the opportunity to behave differently. Just decide and then do the next right thing.

I thought it was brilliant.  Obnoxiously obvious, but really right on the money and applicable to every situation in life.

At any given time, we know what we could be doing instead of what we are doing.  So the task is first to stop.  That's it.  Just stop.  Enough already.

And then, do what you're supposed to do.

Because the truth is, we feel better when we find ourselves taking the high road again and again. 

Easier said than done, I know.  But sometimes, we just have to be reminded that we can, if we choose to, do the right thing.

Stand in the Sun

Every night we go around the dinner table and ask the question,

"What was your rose...your stem...and your thorn today?"

It's an end cap ritual that we adopted from my best friend's family that helps all of us to process our daily experiences...the good parts, the hard parts and the in-betweens.

Your "rose" symbolizes the best thing that happened...your "thorn" is the worst and the "stem" is something memorable, but it doesn't have to be fabulous...just something worth mentioning.

Last night, Kate (7) was relaying her thorn experience about a little boy who had poor behavior in the lunch room and later on the playground.  "He's always making funny noises and won't leave us alone. I just want to kick him," she said.

"But you don't, "I said, "You need to take the high road.  Tell him that if he wants to play with you that he needs to be kind and to keep his hands to himself.  You need to stand in the sun."

This prompted a 10-minute dialogue about what in the hell it means to take the high road and why would you want to stand in the sun...when, well, that's too sunny and you're not allowed to wear sun glasses at school.

I explained that these are figures of speech, metaphors, visual tools to explain what it means to do the right thing.

And then I did it, I pulled out (almost word for word) my mother's high school speech.  "Life is simply a series of choices.  At any given time, you can go left or right.  You always have free will.  The challenge is to sit with your options and make the decision to do in your heart what you feel is right and nine times out of 10, taking the high road is best."

To which, my 2nd-grade daughter said, "I don't have time for that.  Recess is really short and I just want to build fairy houses with my friends.  I don't want to tell him what he needs to do.  I just want to kick him."

Good point.  Back to our talk on Ethics.

"But if you kick him, what will he take from that?  That physical harm is acceptable and that you're not willing to do the work and use your words to describe what you need."

"What I need....is to be left alone and not in the sun," says an emphatic Kate.

"Okay, fine," I say, "But just remember that you can catch more flies with honey than with..."

"I don't even know what you're saying..."

Right.  Okay, stand in the dark...take the low road...hit below the belt...what do I know?  I just have the graduate degree in Conflict Resolution...but then again, I'm not trying to make nice with second grade boys on the playground.

Taking the High Road

"YOU are the MEANEST boy EVER!!!!!!!!"

This is a phrase that has been coming out of my four-year old daughter Kate's mouth repetitively as she and Sam, her seven-year old brother learn to work it out. 

"Sweet Mary Mother of God...kill me," is the phrase that I've been shouting internally as I listen to them create their own brand of conflict resolution.

Most of the time, the disagreements have to do with tromping on the others' territory, hitting, poking fun, or irritating the other while they're focused on their own thing.  Not entirely different from the vast majority of conflicts we see in the adult world.

But something happened the other day, Sam started waving his hands in Kate's face while she was reading her book...and low and behold, Kate ignored him.  She did nothing.  In fact, like it was her job, she just kept silently reading away.  And like clock work, Sam moved on to the next thing.

Kate's example of not giving in and belting the crap out of her brother, remaining silent, and choosing to not engage his behavior, made me think...how often do I take the high road, when really, I just want to decimate the person that's pissed me off?  And really is the high road the way to go?

My experience with this is that 99% of the time, not engaging conflict laden behaviors will instantly end whatever potential for craziness may have existed.  Choosing to walk away and rest on your laurels is often a good thing.  But sometimes, the issue is too important, the behavior is too egregious and you just have to put the smack down on the other party.  They need to be put in their place.

So, the other day when Kate bopped Sam in the head and said, "Take that," I pretended to look away and thought..."good, she can hold her own, when needed."

It's picking the battles that is the most challenging.