Fail Better

I can't remember what I was listening to...

but I do remember that I was driving and I was alone and it was glorious.

You know those moments where you're zoned on autopilot, driving to some location that you could navigate to in your sleep and all of a sudden, you hear something in the background that catches your attention.

It must have been a program on NPR and the interviewer was quoting the famous Irish playwright, Samuel Beckett, to which he said,

"Ever tried.  Ever failed.  No matter.  Try again.  Fail again.  Fail better."

And I was riveted. 

Lately, I've been passionate about the concept of imperfection.  After so many moons of needing to be in control, worried about what others think or how I'm perceived, I've decided that the messy life full of authentic, real, raw relationships is the place I want to be.

I just simply don't have the energy, the means or the interest in putting on a show.

That said, there are parts of me that want to get better and I find that when it gets down to it, I will push, but often stop when it's clear that if I push harder, I will most likely fail.

This happened to me during my most recent race.  I really wanted to PR or set a new personal record.  Once you run a race of a specific distance like a half marathon, you have a benchmark time.  Every subsequent race allows you the opportunity to run it faster or to arrive at a new PR.

Not knowing the course since the race was in its inaugural year, I decided that I would join a pace group.  The question was do I join the group that is 10 minutes faster than my current PR or 10 minutes slower?  Do I start fast and try to keep the pace or do I start slow, conserve my energy and then shoot out of the gate with a few miles left?

I started with the slower pace group because this is who I am at heart...radically fearful that I won't be able to hack the pace.  And then literally less than two miles in, I took off, because that's also the person I am, fearful that I won't actualize my full potential if I don't and not very good at staying the course.

I was jamming for the first 10 miles and then, the monotony of the course hit, my mojo started waning and all of the sudden, I saw my original pace group not far behind me.  Instantaneously, I kicked it into gear and ran as hard as I could vowing that I would leave everything I had on the course.

I PR'd but only by two minutes...not a huge win, but encouraging nonetheless.

In 2014, my mantra was "Fuck Fear."  It served me well.  I ran my first marathon, a 78-mile relay race and a half marathon.  I started writing more.  And I got closer to pushing the envelope with relationships that were important to me.

In 2015, I'm leaning towards, "Fail better."  I want to go bigger, bolder, harder knowing that I'm absolutely going to fall on my face in the process, but that there won't be any regrets hanging by the wayside.

I read today that Sam Simon, co-creator of The Simpsons is dying of colon cancer.  He's giving his $100 million fortune away to charity.  At the age of 59, he said that cancer, while painful and heart breaking teaches you very quickly about what's important.  And it's not money.  It's going after what makes your heart sing and helping others pursue their dreams along the way.

Maybe we should all seek to fail better.

I Did It!

A little over five months ago, right before the new year, I decided that I wanted change.

I was ready to focus on me, to invest in my health, and to stare fear in the face,

At the urging and encouragement of a friend, I reluctantly signed up to run a half marathon.

The cool part was that the race was on the morning of my 37th birthday.

The not so cool part was that I hadn't run a mile continuously in over a decade.

So, with the registration confirmation in hand, I started training.  Over the course of days, weeks, and months, I lost 26 pounds and gained confidence and strength.  I trained six days a week primarily at 5:00 am when everyone in my house was in bed and was done by 6:30 am.  I had a lot of set backs.  The winter months, brought two sinus infections and back-to-back urgent care visits with ten day antibiotic doses.  And then six weeks prior to the run, I injured myself with a nasty case of shin splints that took an act of God to make better.

And then this morning came...the day I'd been waiting for.  The alarm went off at 4:00 am.  My friend was picking me up at 5:00 am for the 50 minute trek to the race.  And by 4:45 am, it was hailing, thundering, lightening and sheets of rain were covering the streets.

My first thought was fuck me.  I'm screwed.

By the time the gun went off 7:00 am, the weather completely cleared.  There was no rain, barely any wind, and sunshine...but it was definitely humid and got hot as the morning wore on.

Equipped with an awesome play list, gu and sports beans for nutrition, and a head/heart full of mantras of strength...I set out to run 13.1 miles with 10,000 other runners.  It was amazing.  Two of my favorite signs read, "You've now run longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage lasted," and "Call me...clearly you have stamina."

The fans were incredible.  The streets were lined with people giving high fives and loads of good will and encouragement.  I crossed the finish line at the 50 yard line of the University of Nebraska at Lincoln's football stadium with my picture across the enormous Husker Vision screen while my family watched in the stands.

This journey has taught me so much.  But if there's one thing that stands out head and shoulders above it all...it is beyond a shadow of a doubt...that our greatest advocate lies inside of us.  There is no one on this earth who can do more for us than we can do for ourselves.  We just have to believe and we have to practice.  Life is about the doing, the being, the now. 

If you haven't gone for one thing in your life that feels impossible...do it.  The feeling will be indescribable and you will know forever that unbelievable strength lies in you.