Ode to 21-Years of Marriage

April 17, 2025

My Dearest Ray,

Happy, Happy 21st Anniversary!

On this beautiful, sunshiny Thursday, I am so grateful to be standing next to you.  

It's just incredible to me that in this moment of multiple crossroads, we're embarking upon so much transition.  

In two weeks, I'll turn 50.  A few weeks later, we'll move Sam out of his dorm as he completes his sophomore year of college.  The following day, Claire will graduate from 8th grade.  And the following week, Kate will graduate from high school.

Most of the time, we're running ragged keeping up with school and extracurricular events for the kids, maintaining careers, volunteering in the community, making sure the laundry gets done, the trash gets taken out, and somebody goes to Costco-usually you.

We text each other constantly-connecting on who's doing what, expressing apologies for being short or thanks for picking up Claire, asking for prayers for a challenging day, and strewn in between the to and fro's are a million I love you, I love you, I love you's.

When I reflect on 21-years of marriage it feels spectacular-not because of the big things, but because of the million little moments of support and partnership that add up to a beautiful, messy, complicated, crazy life.

It's the times when I say--I don't think I can do this/I'm so overwhelmed or what's going to happen when she graduates or how can we all travel there when he studies abroad or can you believe our baby will be driving or what if my business tanks or I never fall back asleep at night--and you say, it's okay, we're okay, you're okay...we're right where we're supposed to be.

Every year, you take the annual material (willow, linen, iron, etc.) and you find a way to carve or weave in the vows that you wrote and committed to me on our wedding day.  I love all of the words-but one stanza I cling to:

"I vow to hold your hand if you are frightened, 

Stand firm if you are unsure,

Protect you from any harm I can, 

And stand together with you against any adversity."

You know that most of the time I'm anxious and worried, and while it can feel burdensome, you never seem to tire from listening to my, "Oh no, what if this happens" version of a story.  You walk me through what I can control and you remind me that I'm a good person and that our kids, my clients, and our family/friends are lucky to have me.  You encourage me to believe in myself and give me the foundation to manifest the dreams/hopes and vision I have for my life.

Last fall, we made a dream trip to Lake Como and spent time in Italy and Switzerland-just you and I.  Sharing espresso, gelato, and lots of walking, we remembered what it was like to be just the two of us and what it felt like to dream side by side.  Next year, we'll be in Copenhagen visiting Sam while he studies abroad and I can hardly wait for our whole family to be together in Europe watching another dream come true.

So, as we age and grow old together, I say thank you for picking me.  Thank you for nurturing us.  Thank you for sacrificing and believing in our union.  Thank you for taking so much time big and small to show me and our now adult/growing children that you meant what you said all those years ago-that a vow is more than a word--it's an action, a continual choice, a decision to do something even when it's inconvenient or exhausting, a reliable/dependable/loyal/committed doing and being in the world.

Here's to a new year and the gift of aging together.  I can't wait to see what it feels like to have two kids in college, one in high school, and you and me, holding each other's hands, laughing, crying, wondering, believing in what can be.

I love you--I love you more--I love you most--You do?--I do, always,

Kelly

"I Just Want to Be With Him"

Recently, while on a trip out of town to Chicago, I randomly connected with a girl around my age taking the same train.

Sitting next to each other, she asked me why I was in town and I told her I was going to run the Chicago Half Marathon.  Crazily, she was too.

We exchanged stories.  I told her that I was married and had three children.  She told me that she was embarking upon her Ph.D program at the University of Chicago and was excited to have a break this weekend.  Her boyfriend who is originally from London but living in New York was coming to the Windy City to cheer her on.

Because I can't help myself and am ever the meddler, I probed, "So...is he the one?"

Anyone that prefaces a response to that question with, "Well....it's complicated, " is doomed.

And so I asked more.  "How long have you been apart?"  "Is one of you willing to move?"  "How invested are you?"  "Are you willing to walk away?"

My stock speech as a girl who spent too many years in relationships that were eventually going no where is...get the hell out.

But then she got teary.  "It's been five years and I just want to be with him.  I think this weekend is going to determine a lot."

Aw fuck...it's the coming to Jesus conversation.  I actually thought about asking if I could have it on her behalf.

It's not a hard one to have.  It should go down fairly quickly.  No hemming.  No hawing.  Just straight forward...do you want us or not...unconditionally?  If not, goodbye and good luck.

That's what I've learned.  No dragging your feet.  No trying to think about on our best days how we could make it happen.  Nope.  Life is complicated.  Relationships can get murky.  But at the end of the day, are we on the same team or not.  If not, cut the cord, so you can find the one.

I sort of gave her that advice and told her she was too damn cute and smart to wait for any douche bag who wasn't ready to commit.

I like to think that I was practicing on her, so that one day, I'll be prepped to have that chat with my daughters.

Life's too short.  Spend it loving, not wondering whether someone loves you or not.

"Wanted"

Driving home from the gym this morning and a sweaty five mile run, I heard this song...

If you can get past the fact that Hunter Hayes, the singer/songwriter is like 12...the lyrics are meaningful.

Most recently, I've had a couple of girlfriends going through life changing sets of circumstances and many girlfriends who have echoed their sentiments.

They feel trapped in marriages...stuck...wanting to feel "wanted" by their partners.

If you're a man and you're looking for a little insight into what I mean...watch the video above and/or listen to me.

It's not enough to tell your partner that she's pretty.  It's not enough to buy flowers.  It's not enough to pay the mortgage payment and to make sure that there's cable.

Women want to feel wanted in a particular way.  They want to know that you specifically want them.

So, talk to her.  Become interested in her world.  Ask her what matters.  Help her overcome her fears so that she can rise to become that which you (and eventually she) know that she can be.  Love on her.  Let her know that above all, you are grateful for her...specifically for her. 

The craziest part is that it's not that hard.  Endearing the love of a woman means the ultimate loyalty, trust, passion, and commitment that we all want in our partnerships.

You've just got to make her feel wanted...every day.