The Right Words Afloat in an Imperfect Me

I had been searching for the right words for weeks.

Trapped in my own auto-correcting head cursing the fact that I'm a first-born and a perfectionist when it comes to doing the things I love.

And so it is with language.  I'm meticulous about word choice.  My children have come to understand that there are certain words we use and ones that we don't...like shut-up, hate, butt, fart, and lame transitions that can be summed up by a single word.

I'd been yearning to write on my blog.  Wanting to get these thoughts out of my head, but instead finding myself filling the time with other tasks like cleaning, parenting, working, and ultimately, pushing "me" to the back of my life...so as to not get it wrong in real time.

And then, Sunday morning arrived.  Or, I should say that I arrived along with my family in Colorado.  And I knew, against my better judgment that my heart would be ignited and that hopefully, my hands would find the keyboard.

But quite the opposite happened...on a singular walk with my two-year old daughter, I stumbled upon a stream and a little girl who was desperate to get her hands wet.  It looked something like this...

And while we were finding the perfect stones to plop into the stream, it dawned on me.  Every stone is perfect to her.  Every opportunity to make a wish, plunk it into the water and watch it wash away is wanted.  Every chance to get her hands cold in the water and pluck a white blossoming flower is beautiful.  And this is all that she wanted to do every time that we went on a walk.

And so as I quieted my head and made room in my heart for the sound of the water and the giggling of my little girl, I realized, it's all perfect.  Perfectly imperfect and exactly how it should be.  And every time that I don't write or I don't run or I don't share me with the world for fear of a misstep or a missed word, I'm losing out and so are people and places I'm connected to.

I'm still resolute that language is powerful and should be handled with care....but I'm more resolute that it's essential to let go, give in, and hear the stream, feel the water, and remember that every moment is filled with imperfect opportunities to fill our soul, if we just let them.

Colorado-You Fill My Soul

It was exactly what I needed...on all kinds of levels.

It's not easy piling your life into a car (along with three needy little ones) and the hope that eight days and seven nights will make for a relaxing vacation.

But after eleven hours of straight driving, we rounded the bend, headed into the mountains, and immediately, I knew that this is what my soul needed.

I've been having a hard time lately.  I can't quite find the words to write.  I can't find the time to focus on what's next.  And, over all, I've been feeling lackadaisical. 

So to say that my heart had been pining for the remoteness and beauty of Colorado would be an understatement.

I was hopeful for so much.  First and foremost, I was over-the-moon excited to spend time with family that we hadn't seen in years.  I was eager to run on trails and explore areas I'd never seen before.  I wanted to detach from rituals, routines, the same old, same old and become reacquainted with my spirit and with the dynamic of my family.  High expectations, I know.

But there's something about being this high up...so close to the blue sky, the majestic mountains, the green earth, the rolling streams, the enormous boulders, the logs, the wild life, and the serene....that makes you feel as though you're in another world, somewhere far away from the noise, the chaos, the parts that don't matter.

One night on our trip, my four-year old daughter, Kate looked at me and said, "Mama, I'm happy."  And I thought, I am too.  I am too.  Thank you, Colorado for the restoration and joy of my heart.

Time is Love

We all get 24 hours in a day...seven days in a week...52 weeks in a year.

Time is the great equalizer, the level playing field.

The difference is in how we choose to spend our time and who we spend it with.

I've always believed that you're guilty by association and that you are what you focus on.

Is it your smart phone?  facebook?  Work?  The couch?  Your past?  Your future?  Your body?  Your soul?  Your kids?  Your wife?

I'm not a huge fan of the term "quality time."  Because in my mind and certainly in the minds of my children, time is time.  If you're with me and your engaged...I want as much of that as I can get.  I don't want trips to restaurants, gifts, or a big house.  I want you.  I want your time.

This summer, we're taking our kids on a family vacation to Colorado.  It's our first trek and we're very excited.  I've heard all kinds of cool things about Rocky Mountain National Park....so, we're counting down the days until we get to hike, cycle, fish, and play.  It won't involve a theme park.  We won't be bringing home any prizes or t-shirts.  But it will be seven days of time spent together.

In the end, the greatest gift that we can give to those we love is ourselves.  That's all any of us really wants, right?  A phone call, a card, a coffee chat, a conversation where you look at me, I look at you and we know that this space is ours.  Time is love.