Ode to Claire on Your 11th Birthday

December 14, 2021

 

My Dearest Claire Bear,

Happy, Happy 11th Birthday to you!

I am not sure how it happened, but all of the sudden, you have become an insanely independent, beautifully brilliant, ridiculously funny, crazy strong, amazingly creative fifth grader...and we are the luckiest to benefit from all of your spirit and gifts.

You are the light and the laughter that make us belly laugh and howl--while simultaneously being the anger and passion that makes all of us scream, "CLAIRE!!!," in frustration and exhaustion.

You are indeed a presence.

This year, you found yourself continuing to study and progress in Taekwondo.  You've earned your brown belt and are keeping your eye on the black belt prize.  Your tenacity and grit shows up when nearly everyone in the dojo is bigger than you and you find your way sparring to the finish.  When you get hit or knocked down, you rise--but not without a few colorful words (that I'm pretty sure I taught you) mumbled under your breath--which makes me so proud.

As the youngest member of our family, you're watching your older siblings make their way through hard classes in high school, practice driving cars, stumble through summer jobs, and now, tour colleges.  All of this has helped you learn the value of a steady work ethic, strong academic success and the in's and out's of what it takes to make dreams come true....namely, a lot of prayers and saying I'm sorry when we take one another for granted.

Whether in school, at the Taekwondo studio or hanging out with friends, you are really good at bringing the fun.  You love to ride bikes, swim, hike, camp, sing, play the piano, dance in the kitchen, and man oh man are you an amazing artist--you can draw, paint, sculpt, sew, and design something out of nothing.  As you're creating, you're also thinking about how you can make a business out of your craft.  Your entrepreneur cap is strong and steady.

 

There are many parts of you that I admire, but one in particular has made its way to the forefront this year...you are a really good friend.  You're not interested in gossip or drama.  You care about feelings and advocate for peace.  You're seen as the calm in the storm and the steady among your people.  Watching you navigate challenges with others helps me to learn the value of meeting people where they are and seeking to be loving, instead of right.

And one more thing stands out--you are a brilliant organizer of all kinds of things and people.  You can whip a closet, desk, basement, or junk drawer into shape--just as you can use your influence to move people toward playing a game, conferencing over FaceTime or collaborating to make a comic. 

As you continue to make your way in the world and your siblings eventually head for their next adventures, I want to encourage you to keep your strong moral compass juxtaposed to your fiery disposition.  You are a crazy force for good.  Take deep comfort and pride in who you are and know that God made you with a heart and an energy for love.  Keep navigating your own ship.  Don't pay attention to the naysayers or the conformity of the masses--fiercely cling to what you know is right and true.

And as you embark upon this new year in your journey, know that you are so, so deeply loved just for who you are.

We could not love you more, Claire Bear,

 Love, Mama and Papa

Ode to Kate on Her 14th Birthday

July 8, 2021

My Dearest Kate,

Happy, Happy 14th Birthday, Sweetheart!

This week, we are spending your special day on an epic adventure in South Dakota, and my goodness are we having a crazy time laughing, exploring, climbing, hiking, eating lots of ice cream, and enjoying all the beauty of the land while also enjoying all of the beauty that is you.

Here's you posing a stunning ballet move in Badlands National Park...

 And you hiking the morning away in Custer State Park with Sam and Claire...

 And you, feeding a sweet mule by the side of the road...

And, the best part is that there is still so much to come.

Let me begin by saying that I love every part of you.  When I think of you, I think of joy, kindness, a deep desire to root for the underdog and to do the right thing.  An incredible creative at heart.  A young woman who takes her time, is filled with intention, and deeply committed when she decides to pursue whatever her passion holds.

You are embarking upon an incredible season of excitement and adventure.  In a few short weeks, you will begin high school as a freshman at Duchesne Academy of the Sacred Heart--where we believe is the place you were meant to grow, to stretch, to gain confidence, connection, and a deeper understanding of who you are and your purpose on this earth.

Since you were three years old, you've been dancing at the Omaha Academy of Ballet.  This summer, you're still dancing--four days a week--Ballet, Modern, Contemporary, Lyrical, Jazz, Improv, En Pointe...and it is hard and intense and technical and you are holding your own.

More than anything, I love that you are true to yourself and loyal to those you love.  You are committed to your own skin.  Even when you don't fully know what that means...you are willing to have hard conversations...to peel back the layers...to dive into uncharted territory and to explore the best version of you...and as a result of your candid commentary, we are all better.

You are smart...Holy Hell...I was never as proficient at literature, math, history, art and all the things as you are...and you sew...like real things...beautiful clothes and costumes and repair other items and draw self portraits that are incredible and time after time, blow others away.

I'm not sure that I have sound advice to give you as you embark upon these final four years of high school at home, except to say that I am here.  I know that now more than ever, you'll be away from me more than in the house...but know that I am here for any and all of it.  As you process what matters, who you believe you are and who you know that you are not, I am for you in every way.  You will always have an ear, an open heart, a shoulder, a pocket book (within reason-ha), and a mother who believes that the world is yours.

Keep trying on all of the shades of you.  Know that all of it is normal.  The shifting., reconfiguring, trying on again and again.  You are exactly where you are supposed to be.  And when you feel lost or stuck, I'm around the corner-cheering you on-knowing that sometimes, all it takes is time, experience, patience and the deep knowing that you are loved for exactly who you are.

Here's to your 14th year and all that it holds.  May God bless you, keep you, guide you, hold you and be with you always.

I could not love you more,

Love, Mama

 

Gratitude and Hope...Here's to the Next Chapter

May 14, 2021

My Dearest Kate,

Today, you will walk out of a building that you have walked into every day for 9 years.

Along with 58 of your classmates, you will say goodbye to the only grade school you've ever known, and hello to what the future holds.

We will begin the festivities with an awards ceremony and slideshow, a lunch, a school-wide clap-out, an evening graduation mass--everyone will be celebrating the gift that is you.

And somewhere inside of both of us lies this deep desire to remember, but not to dwell.

To reflect on what it was like to experience Kindergarten Round-Up, Friday folders, field trips, being the library/computer/lunch helper, Harvest/Valentine parties, dialogue journals, music programs, Pioneer Day, Halfway Hoedown, field days, state reports, advanced math, Speech, Daisies, the Omaha Academy of Ballet, altar serving, First Holy Communion, Science/History Day, good and bad hot lunches, card marks, 4th grade buddies, Kindness retreats, Narnia Tea, 6th grade poetry reading, braces, piano lessons, Hummel, Kitaki, Terra Nova/STAR testing, the bridge project, book reports, power point presentations...the list goes on and on.

And yet, I know that you're ready.  Eager for independence, freedom, autonomy, new experiences, different teachers, opportunities that only high school can provide.

It's time--to go on to the next adventure.

Where you can grow and try.  Reach and soar.  Fail and learn...and become the person that God created you to be.

So, before you do all the things this summer and beyond, I would be remiss if I didn't share these thoughts with you.  I shared them with Sam on his SMM graduation day.

Know thyself. 

You will undoubtedly, spend an inordinate amount of time in the following formative years trying on identities.  You’ll stumble examining what he wears, how she speaks, what books they read, which jobs they’ve landed, what streets are best, whether or not God is real, what to do with a broken heart, and how to live out your purpose.  The truth is that most of it is window dressing.  It just doesn’t matter. 

If you want to know who you really are, decide how you will treat the forgotten classmate, the irritating co-worker, the strange neighbor—the outcast—the one who rarely gets invited, whom others discard as less than or incomplete.  Eat with them.  Listen to them.  Encourage them.  Believe viscerally that everyone has value.  You can not know how much you’ll grow until you trust that every being has something to teach you.  And while you’ll be shunned for associating with the one on the fringes, you’ll learn about compassion, generosity, fortitude, and that most of the time, the Jones’s are just not that fun to keep up with.

Nothing is wasted.

You are going to hurt.  Life is filled with extraordinary amounts of pain. There will be something or someone that you’re going to want, and you won’t get it—not now, or maybe ever.  The trick is in accepting what is, and choosing to stand back up with hope for what could be.  One of life’s greatest corner stones is knowing that some things were not meant for you, because others are better.

Once you’ve honored what is, you begin to realize that nothing is wasted.  It’s not so much that every person teaches you something new…it’s that when you’re paying attention to the relationship, you realize something more profound about yourself.  When you look back, you’ll realize that you had to meet that person, or do that thing, that led you to that job, which brought you to this opportunity, and now, you are where you are, because everything was used for the good of you.

Stand in Gratitude

You will find that most people are desperate for happiness.  They will indulge in  magic shakes, pills, bottles of spirits, fancy cars, sparkly dresses, spas in all the right places, marriages of convenience—all for the hope of becoming comfortable in their own skin.  And as they consume, the hole of desperation becomes so cavernous that not even the wealthiest can find their way out.  The antidote to this cyclical game of pain is gratitude.

Intentionally choosing to stand in your light recounting that you are enough, and that you are blessed beyond measure is a recipe for peace.  Trusting that all is well while honoring the people and experiences that bring joy—particularly in the ordinary moments—will bring endless contentment and love.  Because the truth is that you are blessed.  There are more people than I can count who live and breathe for your stories, your presence, your engagement in their lives.  And when you reflect, you’ll discover that to love and to be loved is the only reason that we are here on this imperfect planet.

Give It Away

Throughout your education and life experience, you’ll be tempted to hold on to that which you’ve been given.  You’ll feel afraid that there’s only so much to go around, and that the smart people are the ones who cling tightly to what is theirs.  I have learned that this place we inhabit is a world of abundance, not of scarcity.  And when I choose to be generous with my time, my gifts, my knowledge, my listening ear, my hope—everything is returned.  Not necessarily by the same people or in the same ways that I might have expected—but when I’m in need, the world rises to meet me—and suddenly the pie grows bigger, not smaller.

If you only knew how much the world wants your dreams to manifest or how it seeks to conspire with you—you’d never be afraid to lend a helping hand or an encouraging word to another.  You’d recognize that we’re all here in the pursuit of something greater than our present circumstance, and that every life and interaction is intentional.  So give it away.  You’ll be amazed at what comes back to you.

Your Words Matter

As you know, I am in the business of stories.  I listen to people share their truths, and help them to build a new story that hopefully makes the future look better than the past.  The reality is that we all live our lives through the lens of story telling.  And as such, your words matter.  Take the time to think before you speak. Better yet, seek to understand, before you jump forward to be understood.  If you want someone to pay attention to your opinion, you must be willing to listen and to bear witness to theirs first.  Beyond listening, honor that their truth has just as much relevance as your own.  And when you hear something that you vehemently oppose, get curious.  Stand in the space of curiosity over certainty.  Decide that there must be more to the story, before you deem the story teller absurd.  Great battles, family divisions, and community upheavals have ensued because people made bold and unchecked assumptions about the other.  It is worth taking your time to listen to the story of the other, and to carefully share not only the ‘what’ of your own, but also the ‘why.’

Action in the Face of Fear

If you’re really living and not complacently going through the motions, you will be afraid to do something, to leave someone, or to give skin to the dream that lies deep within your heart.  Fear is good.  It signals that we care about what is before us, and what comes next.  What we do with this emotion determines our outcome.  As someone who has battled with fear and anxiety more than most, I can definitively tell you to choose motion over paralysis.  Everything you want lies in the unknown.  And the odds are that the steps to get there are not as insurmountable as you perceive. 

You watched as I crossed the finish line at a marathon.  Your father witnessed me submit a graduate school thesis.  Friends helped to launch my business into the market place.  And in every one of these experiences, I was deeply afraid of failing.  And the truth is, throughout the process, I failed multiple times.  I passed out on the trail from lack of hydration and proper nutrition during marathon training.  I had to throw away more than half of my thesis when my advisor explained that the argumentation was not sound.  I was terrified to get my business off the ground. And yet, in the failure came the learning and bizarrely, the dissipation of fear.  Putting one foot in front of the other, controlling what I could in the moment, instead of becoming overwhelmed by the totality of the endeavor saved me.  And it will save you.  Don’t shrink.  Lace up your shoes.  Fear can be used to propel, instead of to immobilize you.  

Choose Love

Our deepest desire is to be loved.  We yearn to belong.  This never goes away.  So, as you navigate all kinds of relationships, recognize that you cannot control another’s response—you can only control your own.  And so, when faced with the choice to gossip, to render petty commentary, to inhabit negative head space—choose love.  At every opportunity, take the high road.  Believe in the goodness of others, and pray for the ability to understand.  Forgiveness, compassion, grace, hope and kindness live deep within you, and while you’ll give them to others, you’ll find that you’ll really be giving them to yourself.

I am certain that I have many more snippets of advice, but for today, this will serve as enough.  We are SO proud of you, and all that you've accomplished.  You are a good person.  Here's to goodbye and hello.  Here's to gratitude and hope.  We're thankful to be on the journey with you.
 

And so, with that, have a great adventure...I could not love you more.

Love always, Mama

Ode to 46

 

Ode to 46...

In the spirit of honoring that which I know to be true at this squarely middle age, here are 46 truisms...at least for me.

• It is fucking hard to raise teenagers.  I'm currently raising two...Sam is 16 and Kate is 13.  Caught between living vicariously through them and honoring that they are their own beings who do not need a micromanaging, crazy ass mama controlling their game--we do our wobbly dance of love and expectations, struggle, apologize and repeat.
  

• Running is my favorite metaphor for life.  It hurts.  It's hard.  It breeds confidence, determination and the belief that with enough steps, over and over again, anything is possible.

• Do the work/honor the hustle.  Since owning my business, I've learned that half the battle is showing up, doing the work imperfectly, learning from my mistakes, treating the people I serve well and trying again tomorrow.  Success comes from consistency.  I know no one who lucked out.  You may have gotten the opportunity, but without the tireless follow-up and follow-through, there was no sustenance.

•  Be kind, even to the assholes.  It is free and important to be kind.  It isn't hard to say hello, smile and wish someone a great day.  And those words and that intention can be the difference in someone's willingness to see that it can be okay--and maybe that it is okay.
  

•  Move your body.  There really has never been a time I've wanted to run.  And there's never been a time after a run that I regretted going.  I can't seem to breathe and propel my body forward while miring in my own shitty thoughts.  Movement takes away the stories I've been telling myself about what will or won't work out, improves my mood, and reminds me that life is for the living.
  

• The story you're telling yourself isn't true.  I live in my head a lot.  I create wild tales about why someone thinks something about me and what the future will hold or why that thing happened in the past.  I analyze, over analyze, and then, cycle through again.  And 9 times out of 10, I'm wrong while simultaneously having wasted all that time--that I could have spent on calling a friend or drinking coffee-anything other than worrying.

• You're right where you're supposed to be.  This is probably my greatest lesson in 46 years of existence.  As much as I want to think that my time/opportunity has passed or that I'll never learn or that it's hopeless--something happens and I realize that I couldn't possibly have started my business then or ran the marathon in college or lived in Chicago--I am exactly where I'm meant to be today--growing where I'm planted.
  

• Nothing is for forever. I lied.  This may be my greatest learning.  In the moment, it feels so hard, so scary, so uncertain, so unfair, so not going to work out...and then one day, it doesn't.  I'm working on this with my kids.  There is nothing like black and white thinking when you're a kid.  Somebody sucks or they're a super hero.  Someone meant to hurt you or they're the bees knees.  The truth is--and I especially see this in mediation--rarely is the other out to get you or amazing--rarely is the relationship a failure forever (especially if you choose to work on it)--rarely is the situation permanent--because you are not a tree--you always have a choice to move.
  

• Your story is still unfolding.  The receptionist at our family dental office recently asked me, "What are you going to do when your kids go to college?  You're only a couple years away with Sam," to which I replied, "Breathe and sleep."  I will be in my 50's when all 3 of my children have flown the coop and all I know is that there will be another awakening, another emerging, another shift in my story--and that is exciting.  As such, I'm committed to owning the present for all it is.
  

• It isn't impossible.  My 10-year old daughter, Claire taught me this.  She's a bad ass taekwondo red belt.  I've watched her break boards and spar with kids and adults that hover over her--and she is not afraid.  She does archery, rides horses, writes books, and tells people to fuck off in her head (this was a new development she shared recently).  At the end of the day, she proclaimed, "If it lives in your heart, do it.  It's meant for you."  All too often, I won't attempt something because it seems ridiculous or for someone not like me i.e. an IronMan, and then, I remember Claire kicking the shit out of a competitor because she wants to, and I realize, it's only impossible in our heads.
  

• Always have a dream.  A few weeks ago, Kate, our soon to be freshman in high school came to the dinner table and said that she found her dream school--Amherst College.  Their acceptance rate is 11% and the tuition, fees, room and board in 2020-2021 are $76,800.  They have phenomenal design programs, a student body of 1850 and are situated in one of the most geographically beautiful communities in Massachusetts.  And this is Kate's dream.  She can tell you all of the reasons and she's chasing it. 
  

• Take time to be with the ones you love.  During the pandemic, every Sunday night at 7pm, my family gathered over Zoom to talk with my parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, aunt, uncle, and cousin.  We didn't realize how much it mattered, until we discovered that we knew more about each other because of this past year than we had from the previous.  Life is uncertain.  It isn't hard to call and connect with those you love.  And in the end, it's what you cherish.
  

• Every day, you get to choose.  This is one of my favorites.  I'm notorious for beating myself up over the things I did or should have done, until I remind myself that right here and now, I get to try again.  As long as you breathe, you get to pick.
  

• Coffee should be mainlined.  Jesus.  This goes without saying.  Good coffee is a super power.
  

• Tell the truth with your whole heart.  I have learned this most in marriage and parenting.  Cut the bull shit and share who you are and what you need.  Trust is built over being who you are and showing up to do the work honestly along the way.
  

• Write shit down.  God this is a big one.  I have journaled publicly and privately for most of my life.  One of the things I love best is going back and re-reading where I was when such and such was going down, how I felt about it all, and juxtaposing it to where I am today.  It's like being an investigative reporter of your life.  And, reflecting and writing is one of the cheapest forms of therapy and helps to get the fear and hope out of your being and into the world.  Can't encourage it enough.
  

• Say I love you...a lot.  If you know me, you know that I say I love you constantly because I do.  The words I love you are not ones to withhold ever.  To know that you are loved and have someone to lavish it on is what it means to be human and to be connected and to belong.  Say it--even more than you do now.
  

• Say I'm sorry over and over again.  Get good at apologizing--to your partner, your kids, your employees, your neighbor, your mom, your dog, and most importantly yourself.  The world is messy.  We behave poorly.  Our intentions don't match our actions.  Just accept what is, work to make amends and then, don't do it again.
  

• Tell your children they are loved, right now with no strings attached.  This is huge.  There should be one God blessed place in this world of uncertainty that children know they are accepted and that is with their parents and in their families.  For the love of God, love them up for the oily, quirky, mean, irritable, cranky, needy, little humans they are.  It's one of the most important jobs we have.
  

• Stop using your past as an excuse.  This has taken me some time.  It's seductive to stay trapped in the comfort of the old narrative until you realize that the thing that happened with the person was years ago and you are no longer living that life and it's time to stop using it as a crutch.  Live in the here and now.
  

• Breathe.  My work is to meet people in one of the worst times in their life.  Mediating divorces while parties navigate sharing their children is not for the faint of heart.  And when the shit is hitting the fan, I remind them and myself to breathe and that together, we can do hard things (to borrow a phrase from Glennon Doyle).
  

• Pray.  For me, prayer is stillness.  It is the quiet that I enter into and the space where I am open.  I share gratitude.  I plead.  Sometimes, I beg.  I hope.  I wonder.  I ask.  I remember.  I yearn.  But mostly, I believe that I am connected to something bigger than me, and I feel less alone.
  

• Dance.  I'm not very good at this--at all--but I like how I feel when I get out of my head and into my body.  My daughter Kate is a dancer and watching her reminds me that we were meant to move and to be free.
  

• The size of your house or bank account doesn't matter.  This one took a while--but I finally think I'm there.  I've learned that happiness isn't contingent on anything external.  It's something we choose for ourselves and own all on our own.  No one can give it to us or make us it--least of all material possessions.  How freeing is that.
  

•  Let it go.  At the end of the day, whatever you're worried about most likely doesn't matter, and if it does, with time, it will work itself out.  Surrender is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves.

• Get an education.  My children have been told since they could pull themselves up onto furniture that they will go to college, study abroad, go to graduate school, and not be allowed to marry until they're 30.  They mostly still believe this.  But I'm learning that an education is also mowing lawns, learning how to manage homework and tests, having a fight and resolving the issue, and keeping CPS from coming to your house because it's a pig sty.

• Travel.  Nobody loves the couch, a good book and Netflix as much as me, but the truth is that good things happen when you leave the house (according to Kelly Corrigan).  Have an adventure, so you can tell a story.
  

• Wear deodorant. For fuck sake.  Do your part.  And I'm not sure about these homemade shibangs.  I just think that part of my daily routine with my 16-year old son is, "Did you put on deodorant?" and the world thanks me for it.
  

• Leave it better than you found it.
• Stop complaining.
• Give the benefit of the doubt.
• Know when you've overstayed your welcome.
• Give hope.
• Get a dog.
• Smile at people when you walk by.
• Don't be a dick.
• Wash your dishes before you go to bed at night.
• Read.
• Send someone a text when you're thinking of them.
• Try not to hold a grudge.
• Drive a Honda.
• Do not teach your teen to drive.  Skip right to Driver's Ed.
• Decide what you believe in.
• Have the difficult conversation you've been putting off.
• Listen to the quiet yearning of your heart--it's not a coincidence.
• Remember that you are loved.

I didn't have the energy to write descriptions for the final 18--it made me realize that 46 is a lot--but I guess in a good way.  I've amassed some life and definitely some lessons.  I'm so grateful that I get to live this great experiment with people I love and who love me.  My prayer in this new year is more--more acceptance, more surrender, more hope, more connection, more love, more growth, more me.

Happy 46th...here's to it all.

 

 

 

Ode to 17 Years of Marriage

 

 

April 17, 2021

 

My Dearest Ray,

 

Happy Golden Anniversary--17 years on April 17th!

As I thought about writing this anniversary ode to you, I kept hearkening back to a podcast I've been listening to about what makes a marriage last--like really last, decade over decade, year over year, day over day, minute by minute.  Couples who've been married for a long time talk about what keeps their love and commitment strong--they say things like active listening, never going to bed angry, not keeping score, and finding happiness in the ordinary details that compose a life.

It struck me that this past year-where we've been both living and working together at home, raising three children, and carving out a life in the midst of a global health crisis-I've been keenly aware of how lucky I am that we chose each other.

You are my person.  You are the one I go to first for everything--when I'm worried about micromanaging the details of our teenagers academic lives, when I'm fearful of how my business will fair or why the hell I can't put down the Dove chocolate at night or whether they're going to get into the right college or be able to merge properly onto the interstate.

You are the one who makes dinner every night and delights in bringing us together as a family for every meal to ask, "What was your rose today?," while you listen to the adventures that everyone's been on.

You're the one who when Kate says, "I want to start an Etsy business," helps to navigate all of the pieces from shipping, product weight, business cards, social marketing, and prospects for future entrepreneurial enterprises.

You're the one who takes Claire to every taekwondo lesson and memorizes the parts of her form.  And when she's nervous about breaking a board or the size of her sparring competitor you quietly say, "You've got this.  Go get em."

You're the one who takes Sam driving every morning and night.  You know that I have too much anxiety to do it, and so, you are the coach and the guide and the cheerleader--even though I know you've had a few nail biting moments.

You are the one who this year said, "I'll run with you."  And even though I've been the resident runner for years, you quietly surpassed my pace, but chose to stay beside me as we went up hills-because you know I lose my mojo on them and want to quit.  We signed up for our first half marathon in the fall and I'm so excited to feel what it feels like to do that together.

You are the one who listens when I'm unsure about a case or feel nervous about spreading my wings and tell me that I way underestimate what I bring to the table and encourage me to show them what I've got.

And so, as I listen to these podcast interviews and I think about us--I think that the secret to 17-years is the doing--the doing of love--and in the doing comes the commitment--and in the commitment comes the safety--and in the safety comes the trust--and in the trust comes the freedom to soar--individually and collectively.

I thank you for modeling something powerful and real and evolving and beautiful for our children.  They too are the luckiest, and while I tell them all of the time that they don't have to get married, but that if they do, I pray they find a partner just like you.  Someone who is a doer--who lives happily in all of the details--who wants this life as much as I do.  

 

So, as we continue forward in this beautiful marriage and family life we've created, I thank you for taking your vows seriously and for making them come to life in all of the ways that matter.  Thank you for believing in me when I didn't believe in myself and for knowing that all would be well, even when it felt hard or uncertain.  Thank you for choosing us and God and hope and making lunches and carpool and Learner's permits and well, all the things.

Happy Anniversary, my love--what a gift you are to me--if I thanked you daily, it would not be enough.

All my love, Kelly

 

Ode to Sam on Your 16th Birthday

February 8, 2021

My Dearest Sam,

Happy, Happy, Happy 16th Birthday!  

How is it possible that you are officially Sweet 16??!!

What a crazy year we've had...moments after your 15th birthday, the entire world entered involuntarily into a global pandemic.  We had no idea that schools would shut down, dad would work from home for almost a year, we'd wear masks everywhere we went, we'd become experts at social distancing, Covid testing sites would spring up, a shortage of toilet paper and disinfectant wipes would be a thing, and every social event you came to love would be put on hold.

But in the midst of your 15th year, some really remarkable blessings emerged.  You began your sophomore year at Creighton Prep.  By the grace of God, you continued running Cross Country, and we got to cheer on the sidelines.
 

You completed your Eagle Scout project after nine years of being in the program.  The YouTube video below is an amazing story of what you created in the community gardens of Holy Family parish--alongside Dad and Bompa--who were so proud to help you.

You received your Learner's Permit and officially took to the streets with Dad as your fearless coach.

You decided to teach yourself how to play the guitar and suddenly, we heard lots of Pink Floyd in our home.

You hiked up ginormous mountains, rode bikes, ate heaps of ice cream, played board games and made beautiful memories in Estes, Colorado with our family.

You took really hard honors and AP courses and learned about the value of earning your stripes inch by inch, especially when most of it was done via Zoom.

You were a really good big brother to Kate and helped her through advanced math at Prep, while going toe to toe with her in other ways--showing her that strength comes from trying and a willingness to keep showing up.

And found lots of ways to laugh and encourage Claire-showing her that there is still joy in life, even in the midst of a pandemic.

Through all of it, even though regular hang-outs with friends were canceled, Movie Club, Quiz Bowl, Chess Club, going to the theater, and being with your buddies was nearly eliminated--you made the most of it.  And during our nightly dinners, you shared that your Rose of this experience has been getting to know your favorite people even more.  And that you're grateful we're on your team.

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As you embark upon this new year, there is so much goodness on the horizon.  Soon, you'll be creating a lawn mowing business with a buddy, studying for the ACT, exploring colleges, driving Kate to Duchesne and Claire to Saint Margaret Mary and making trips to Dragon's Lair, HyVee and Prep.

And, I'll keep texting you-my daily-"I love you so muches and I'm so, so proud of you."

And, as we now see the official half way point of high school, I'll try not to cry when I think about the little time I have left with you at home.  And instead, I'll treasure our runs together through Elmwood Park and the moments that you encourage me in my Conflict Resolution business and the chances you trust me enough to read through your English essays and the moments we get to talk about good literature like 1984 and The Screwtape Letters and the times you let me give you a hug longer than you'd prefer just because you know I need it and the morning blessing, "May God bless your mind so you can learn...your ears to be a good listener...your lips to speak kind words...and your heart to feel love" (the same one since Kindergarten).  

And I'll continue to marvel at the great gift you are and keep standing on the sidelines cheering you on.

I could not love you more.

All my love always,

Mama